Saturday, October 31, 2009

More Fun with Busting Fears

This week was a lot mellower than last week. But got some shit done.

I finished all the accounting reconciliation finally. I am seeing my fear around money more and more clearly these days. I did not get healthy training when it came to money. My dad made it but hid from being an adult around spending, saving and investing, and mom just loved to spend it. And I was just given it too freely, for WAY too long. Not healthy. Not helpful. There was no such thing as fiscal responsibility in the Carlin household.

Therefore, I am schizophrenic around it. Part of me acts like my parents - spending without consequence. And part of me is really, really trying to do better - like looking at the bank balance everyday - it's like weighing myself everyday - accountability. At least I stopped putting shit on credit cards.

Ooooo. Oooooo. I got to do a really cool thing on Friday - I recorded a story of mine for an audio book! And GOT PAID FOR IT. My first money that I have made from MY writing (not with my husband as my partner - we used to write TV/Film stuff). It was funny how nervous I was about it all, and yet when I was there, it was so easy. I really loved it. My story is in an anthology book that should be coming out in January. The book is called Dirty Laundry (I think) and can be found here. My essay is about growing up in the shadow of my dad's fame. It's one of my favorites.

What else? Oh, yeah. Wrote a new bio:
Kelly Carlin is part Lucile Ball and part Marianne Williamson – in other words, she is not afraid to take a pie in the face in service of sharing her wisdom.

Whether Kelly is writing, speaking, teaching or coaching, her willingness to rip off her own “mask” always inspires a safe, sacred yet playful space for all to discover their own authentic humanity. This is not surprising considering she grew up at the knee of her father, George Carlin, who for decades masterfully wove great humor and deep truth as an entertainer. Having spent the last twenty years stumbling and bumbling along her own journey from the shadow of her father’s success to her own light of self-definition has given her a powerful insight into what we all ultimately crave - to be seen, heard and accepted for who we are under the mask we wear for the world.

Her professional life has taken her from behind the scenes in the world of TV/film to claiming the stage for her own creation of her one-woman show, Driven To Distraction. After two decades in the entertainment business, Kelly stepped away to get a new perspective, and in 2004 received her masters in Depth Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute. Kelly’s own brand of irreverent reverence can be seen and heard whether she is teaching individuals and groups how to claim their creative life through her Polymind Process, writing and performing her personal essays, interviewing legendary comedians for Laugh.com's On Comedy CD series or writing her upcoming memoir, called Now Appearing.

I'm outta here.

Have a great week.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Week 4 of Busting through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Holy Shit MOMENTUM!

Here's the BIG thing I realized this week: If you want something really bad (like I want MY book to be published) you are more likely to walk through fears that have stopped you in the past. It's amazing what a little desire will do to dissolve fear.

Great talk with literary agent about direction for my SPIRITUAL memoir. There it is, the big fear - I am admitting to the world that what I do is of a spiritual nature. To me that means examining what brings meaning to my life as a human, what it takes to embrace the whole shebang I am offered while being alive (the good, the bad, the beauty, and the ugly) and how I can walk through it awake and with compassion.

Built a new website: www.thekellycarlinsite.com where I have integrated all of my polyminds for the world to see, and fully owning that I am a hyphenate in an increasingly intergral world: author-speaker-teacher-daughter.

Said yes to teaching a 90 minute online webinar in December. Another HUGE fear busted through - teaching strangers, not just friends and acquaintances. Big hurdle in the past.

And of course, saying yes to all the promotion for my dad's book Last Words, that comes out November 10th. http://books.simonandschuster.com/Last-Words/George-Carlin/9781439172957 I'll be doing live, print, radio and TV promoting.

Which led me to saying yes to Tim Robbins when he asked me Wednesday night, "Will you read some of your stories at the screening?" Here's the link for that event: http://www.wtffestival.theactorsgang.com/calendar.html#nov4

Now go out and have some fucking fun!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Days 21-25 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Where have I been all week? I've been here mostly. Genpo Rosh's Big Mind work is an elegant weaving of Zen Buddhism and deep shadow work. He utilizes a technique called Voice Dialogue to access aspects of the self. It enables you connect with aspects that have been mostly rejected by the self and therefore have become shadow elements. The amazing thing is with this work is that you not only access the dualistic voices, but you easily access the non-dual, transcendent ones too. You get to have an experience of the non-dual as easy as shifting in your chair. It turns out that all the "seeking" that we do to access this limitless, peaceful, and clear state of mind is the very thing that has kept us from it. The more you "try" the less you are IN it. I spent much of the week sitting in this space of clear, limitless mind.

And that is why this week has felt like: So Many Days, So Few Fears.

And then came Friday. A few weeks ago, I asked my manager for some help. I knew I needed an editor or agent to help me with my book outline. And he cam through. So Friday I had a conversation with a literary agent. It was a great conversation. She is smart, savvy and gets what I am up to. She was the editor of my dad's first book Brain Droppings.

Bottom line - during the conversation I claimed something that I know is what I have been avoiding claiming for a long, long time. It is about who I am and what I am really doing through all the work I do - finding a clear and consistent relationship with the sacred.

So, when it came to defining a genre that I thought my memoir would fit into, I knew where it belonged - in the spiritual memoir section. And although that word can be construed in a myriad of ways, most of which I hate, it is where I belong.

AND THIS WAS TERRIFYING. But here it is - I am writing a memoir - a spiritual memoir. I have been avoiding stepping into this label for a long time. I know ultimately it is what ALL of my work is about whether I am writing, performing, teaching or coaching, i am interested in my and the world's relationship with the sacred, the transcendent, the soul, the True Self, the Authentic Voice. Name it what you want, but it is it.

What a week.
Question for the week: What has your soul been asking you to claim for the last 10 years?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Days 18, 19 and 20 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

I was still feeling a bit crappy over the weekend, but I laid low and took care of myself. I resisted the need to do things that would have pushed my body, and I let myself heal. An important lesson I learned years ago that ended poorly when I ignored my body/mind and ended up in bed with pneumonia for a full month.

Today, and all this week, I am participating in a free online retreat with my teacher Genpo Roshi. You can check it out here from 10:30 AM-12 noon and then again 2:30 PM to 4:30 PM PST each day. His work is profound and simple to access.

This morning we did some work around the "thinking mind." In particular, we explored ways in which our "selves" tend to shun and disown this aspect of ourselves having deemed it "monkey mind" and "chatter mind" (especially if you are a student of meditation), and then the ensuing consequences for the self. Although I feel that I am pretty in touch with my "thinking mind," I found that indeed there are ways in which my "self" has squashed this aspect in service of being loved in the world - at times I have felt that the world does not like a smart woman, or a child that has more clarity than the grown ups, and when that happened, I shut up and created a shadow aspect of this voice within me.

My lack of ability as an adult to put my opinion forward and out into the world through my writing, performing and general citizenship, I feel is very connected to suppressing my "thinking mind." Add to that the prejudice that we in the world of Feminine thought have put on the thinking mind by believing that it is only associated with the separation of the body/soul from life and thus the rape and pillaging of the planet and its peoples, and well, what's a "thinking mind" to do? Run and hide. And then show up in all sorts of pathological ways like - 4AM terrors about life, obsessive worry, over-thinking, confusion, the need to be right, and shunning others as thoughtless bastards and idiots.

Once we thoroughly examined this disowned aspect of "thinking mind," we then moved to the owned, embodied, honored and acknowledged "thinking mind," and wow! It was calm, in the moment, wise, clear, ready to be of use to the world and the self, and could actually hold space for others. It was like sitting with Sitting Bull - wise, ancient and all seeing.

It hit me that from this place, I could even listen to others that scare me with their thoughts. I immediately thought of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who either make me shudder and hide or take me to murderous rage. So I came up with an idea - to practice sitting in the fully owned, mature, healthy, honored "thinking mind" while listening to one of these people this week. I am doing it with a very curious heart AND mind - curious about what I will actually hear when I allow my wisest, most grounded thinking mind to encounter their views.

I am KelCar on the chat as we participate online with this retreat. Join in the conversation and work if you feel pulled to do so.

Later.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Busting Through Fears Days 15,16, and 17

I've been in bed sick these last few days. Not much to report, except this: facing my grief about my dad's death, and now being an orphan, is some of the hardest work there is. I have no idea if it has anything to do with being sick, but it sure hit me last night, again. And it hit me again how much I unconsciously put in the way of feeling this stuff - busyness, need to create, pleasure, emotional eating, fantasizing about a better life, doing this blog, etc.

I do not want to feel my broken heart.

And yet, it is here. And so am I.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Day 14/15 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days; Five Hindrances

I was talking to a client the other day, and she mentioned the word hindrances, and I had an insight. In Buddhism, they talk about the 5 Hindrances that impede one's path to enlightenment.

They are:
1.Sensual desire (kāmacchanda): Craving for pleasure to the senses.
2. Anger or ill-will (byāpāda, vyāpāda): Feelings of malice directed toward others.
3. Sloth-torpor or boredom (thīna-middha): Half-hearted action with little or no concentration.
4. Restlessness-worry (uddhacca-kukkucca): The inability to calm the mind.
5. Doubt (vicikicchā): Lack of conviction or trust.

I think that "hindrance" might be a better word than "fear" to describe this 100 Day challenge I have embarked on. What keeps me from moving toward what I really want is something I am curious about everyday. What keeps me stuck in my status quo/comfort zone? I would say that on any given day or moment I could easily point to one of these hindrances and find the answer.

Certainly, most of the time it is doubt that turns into fear. But there are days when I would rather have the short-term pleasure vs. the long term goal. Or find that my lack of ability to move forward is based on an old story line of resentment and thus I will not move forward so I can "show them." And boredom is a HUGE reason for filling up my mind and body with crap I don't want and thus keeping me off track. And the inability to calm the mind often feeds my fears.

But then again, ideally what this challenge is about is DOING something that counteracts the hindrances, not analyzing them. So really, it is BUSTING THROUGH 100 Hindrances in 100 Days.

Report:
Yesterday I went to a dinner party, and someone was talking about the world through the filter of conspiracy theories. I normally just shut down and ignore these theories because they either make me depressed or enraged. No middle ground. But last night, I stayed with the person and just got curious - about them and how it feels to them to believe in such a thing. It felt risky to take this tact, and yet deeply fulfilling in the end because the discussion didn't become about truth or who is right, but about what it means to live in a world where it might be true.

Today - stepping through my torpor and doubt and getting back to the page. For a writer, everyday is a scary leap of faith into the unknown. Today is no different.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Knight Commission Recommends Universal Broadband, Urges National Dialogue to Improve "Information Health" of America's Local Communities

A non-sexy topic (thus most Americans will not know about it) that is para-mount to the future health of democracy here or anywhere.



I especially am interested in the third "silo", "promoting public engagement among everyday citizens, both with information and with each other," but love that they are promoting the idea of the importance of "un-siloing" this discussion and weaving it into the bigger discussion.



Being a bit of a media-critiicism geek, I look forward to checking it out in more depth.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Monday, October 05, 2009

Day 13 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

I am thinking of changing the title of this challenge. I don't know if it is really possible to only couch what I feel like I am doing as "fears". I think that limits the thinking around all of this. Some days are absolutely about confronting a fear and then taking an action that debunks the fear. But what am I really doing here? What I am doing is listening to the inner messages/stories that shape my life, and challenging the ones that see to be full of shit. I am testing some kind of reality that I have assumed IS reality. I am literally questioning who I am every day.

One assumption that I make is - I am only okay when I am DOING something that the outside world will see as being productive. I know this is bullshit, and yet....

I can clearly feel the need to integrate some experiences that I have had these last few weeks. And when I integrate, much of my activity is inward focused not leaping forward or jumping from high places. Instead there is a turning my ear to my inner life - sitting quietly so that I can hear the stirrings of what has been awakened by my bold actions of late - and then weaving the new threads I have discovered into the tapestry of who I am, making the self richer, more colorful and larger.

I am honoring this urge today. I have walked this morning to let my body integrate. I will not be fluttering about on Facebook, Twitter, etc. today. I will go about my day in a more mindful fashion giving space to what needs to settle, find a new resting place, and later emerge as a new bud on this tree I call me.

Where are your urges sending you today?

What should I really be calling this challenge?

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Days 11/12 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

No doubt, this challenge is challenging. After such an action packed week, I was exhausted this weekend. And her is what I learned: When you are tired, the last thing on your mind is stepping outside your comfort zone, especially since I feel like I LIVED outside my comfort zone all week.

I am looking forward to this week coming up. I know what one of my challenges will be to myself - to go on a mini-retreat. More to come.

What are some fears that you want to walk through this week? I'll be thinking too.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Day 10 of 100 Fears in 100 Days; What Family Looks Like Now

Last night I once again hung out at Paul Provenza's tapings of his new show The Green Room for Showtime. Once again, fucking amazing.

First show - Penn Jillette, Martin Mull and Tommy Smothers. Penn was clearly geeked out by the fact that one of his heroes, Martin Mull was on the panel with him, and that he got to play a duet with him. I love Penn - big man, big opinions and one big fucking heart. There was also a fun and philosophic discussion about atheism, God and the notion of belief (love this stuff - always makes me think about my papa), but what I loved was when they talked about the mechanics of comedy - timing, silences, joke telling. Oh, and speaking of joke telling, Penn told Provenza's favorite joke about a pair of female Siamese twins - one of which played the trombone and the other who loves to masturbate, while they both love Julio Iglesias - need I say more?

Second show - Roseanne Barr, Bob Saget, Sandra Bernhard and Patrice Oneal. Very different vibe, more of an intimate conversation among friends about the business which eventually turned into a therapy session for Patrice about his disappointments with Roseanne, Sagat and Sandra playing the roles of therapist! Wow. And then, mixed into that were these bold declarations from all about the state of the world, our roles in it, etc. - you'll just have to watch it.

If fire was the first nights alchemical element, I would have to say the element last night felt more watery - like a shape-shifting and life giving force.

And me and this fear thing? Well. It seems these last few nights have created a state of fearlessness in me. There is no one I am being cautious around. There is nothing I am afraid to say. There is no discomfort. I am home.

While watching Martin and Tommy on the show. I suddenly got very emotional. I realized that in some way, these men who are the around the age of my father are my new fathers. And then hearing Roseanne and Sandra talk about their views about hope, and the planet, I saw that they are my sisters - I could have easily folded into their conversation. And Paul - well, he is certainly a brother (with Rick, Gary, David all funny, smart, big-hearted men).

Now that my mom and dad are both gone, people have been saying to me that I am now an orphan. Oh, how wrong they are, how wrong they are.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sacred Cows, Alchemy and Day 9 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

This Polymind is tired today. Up too late. Up too early.

Last night I went to a taping of comedian Paul Provenza's new Showtime show The Green Room. For my part, I let myself be folded into the fabric of this comedy family that has been so beautiful to me this last year. I am so grateful. And even though there were moments I felt like stepping back into the shadows, I stayed present and in the light, and in the front row.

A little about what I saw last night.
Paul has created a big, safe space for comedians to hang out and do what they do best - daringly mouth off with great wit. At different times, depending on the guest configuration, it was thought provoking, heart warming and flat out offensive - which is a good thing - and always hilarious. My dad used to say that a comics job was to find the line and cross it. And Provenza does that and invites others to do the same while always in service of tearing down the sacred cows and making us question it all. It is a huge honor to be there and be part of this new family of mine - thanks Paul. Thanks dad.

But all that aside, the thing that was most amazing about last night was watching co-creation in action.

The first show had Jonathan Winters, Robert Klein and Rick Overton. There clearly was an atmosphere of reverence for Jonathan, but because Paul creates such an open space, Jonathan also got to show his most subversive side and speak his truth about his life and the business in a way that you just can never do on the Tonight Show or Letterman. We all knew we were in the presence of comic royalty. Klein and Overton felt it, and although there brilliance shone in the moments when they took the spotlight, you could tell they knew this was about giving back something to Jonathan. Paul set the atmosphere brilliantly.

The second show had Paul Mooney and Bobby Slayton and Jim Jefferies (all very provocative comics) and Rain Pryor. Again Paul set the stage perfectly, he threw the topics up in the air - being black, jewish, racism - all big bones for these four - and wow - the air crackled with wit, and on the edge of your seat anticipation. It was like being on a street corner and watching the jabs, insults and great put downs fly between a tight knit gang. At times it was a bit more "dick-waving" than I can handle, it's just not my personal style, but it was fucking fun to watch! They were all playing with BIG fire, and yet they knew it was play. This is a difficult and great feat. The alchemy was HOT. Paul is a wizard.

Playing with BIG fire - that is the lesson here in dealing with my fears today. I was raised to be the peacemaker in my family, to put out fires. So, I assume that I can't handle the heat, that I will get burned automatically, and so I tend to not go near the fire, and certainly not stoke it.

But in any alchemical transformation, you need fire. You need to turn it up! So I am seeing that with consciousness, humor and in service of tearing down my personal and the collective's sacred cows (the bullshit stories we keep in our heads to keep us from moving toward what we ALL need to do as individuals and a world), I need to be more willing togo into the fears (fires). It is a powerful path to transformation.

What will I conquer today/tonight in my own commitment to this FEAR thing? I do not know. I will return for two more tapings tonight. Maybe I will let myself jump into the fire, cross a line, play on the street corner. Who knows. Anything is possible. Burn, baby, burn.