The Polymind Consortium

My Favorite Books List

2011-10-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today on Twitter, I connected with a new fan, @UltraLibIan, who listens to my podcast Waking from the American Dream and wanted to know about the books I read. So, here's a list of books that represent my most eclectic mind...my polymind.

Depth psychology:
Memories, Dreams, Reflctions Carl Jung
Boundaries of the Soul: the Practice of Jung’s Psychology June Singer
Ego and Archetyp e Edward F. Edinger
The Soul’s Code James Hillman
Revisioning Psychology James Hillman
We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse James Hllman and Michael Ventura
A Jospeh Campbell Companion Diane K. Osbon
Joseph Campbell/The Power of Myth with Bill Moyers
Truly any book by Joseph Campbell, James Hollis or Robert A. Johnson

Buddhism:
The Book Alan Watts
This is It Alan Watts
The Way of Zen Alan Watts
Wherever you go, There You are Jon Kabat-Zinn
The Miracle of Mindfulness Thich Nhat Hahn
Peace is Every Step Thich Nhat Hahn
Awakening the Buddha Within Lama Surya Das
A Path with Heart Jack Kornfield
Thoughts without a Thinker Mark Epstein
Any book by Pema Chodron

Integral Philosophy:
A Brief History of Everything Ken Wilber
The Integral Vision Ken Wilber
Sex, Ecology, Spirituality Ken Wilber
Integral Psychology Ken Wilber
Spiral Dynamics Don Beck
The Radiance of Being Allan Combs

New Age Thinking:
Quantum Psychology Robert Anton Wilson
The Tao of Physics Fritof Capra
Dancing Wu Li Masters Gary Zukav
The Seat of the Soul Gary Zukav
Das Energi Paul Williams
Illusions Richard Bach

Life Coaching Kind of Stuff:
The Art of Possibility Zander and Zander
Finding Flow Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Fearless Living Rhonda Britten
Loving What Is Byron Katie
The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz

Leadership:
Leadership and the New Science Margaret Wheatley
Synchronicity: The Inner Path of Leadership Joseph Jaworski
Leadership and Self-deception The Arbinger Institute
Servant Leadership Robert Greenleaf
Presence Jaworski, Senge, Wheatley and Scharmer
The Fifth Discipline Peter M. Senge
Leadership from the Inside Out Kevin Cashman

Writing/Creativity:
Bird by Bird Anne Lammott
Writing Down the Bones Natalie Goldberg
The Arist Way Julia Cameron
The Right to Write Julia Cameron
Unreliable Truth Maureen Murdock
The War of Art Steven Pressfield
Writing from the Inside Out Dennis Palumbo
Writing for Your Life Deena Metzger
Fearless Creating Eric Maisel
The Heart Aroused David Whyte
Crossing the Unknown Sea David Whyte
If You Want to Write Brenda Ueland
The Writing Life Annie Dillard

History/ Politics/ Social analysis:
The People’s History of the United States Howard Zinn
The Passion of the Western Mind Richard Tarnas
The American Soul Jacob Needleman
The Fourth Turning Strauss and Howe
Conservatives without Conscience John W. Dean
The Lucifer Principle Howard Bloom
The Genius of the Beast Howard Bloom
The Empathic Civilization Jeremy Rifkin

Women’s Issues:
Heroine’s Journey Maureen Murdock
The Hero’s Daughter Maureen Murdock
Women Who Run with the Wolves Clarissa Pinkla Estes
The Goddess Within Woolger and Woolger
Circle of Stones Judith Duerk
Writng a Woman’s Life Carolyn G. Heilbrun
Reinventing Womanhood Carolyn G. Heilbrun
A Voice of One’s Own Perlman/Henderson
A Room of Her Own Virginia Woolf

Year Three

2011-06-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today is the third anniversary of my dad's death. In some ways, it feels like I have just begun the grieving process. I've been so busy learning how to be without him - how to represent him in the world now that he is gone, how to represent myself in the world now that he is gone - that I think I forgot to just feel the pain of it all.

I mean, I did feel pain, months and months of it. For awhile it felt like I had no skin. I was a raw, open, vulnerable vessel, and it was impossible. And so for awhile, I self-medicated my way to buffer the suffering. And I'm glad I did. It was too much. But, as we all know, when you delay the pain, that is all you are doing, delaying it. And so now I get to feel it, and that is okay, because I feel like now I CAN feel it, and hold it, and rock it like a baby and tell it, "It'll be okay. You will be okay."

I'm no longer afraid of the pain because I now see that it is my pain, and the more I feel it, the more I feel like myself. I am Kelly. I am a daughter. I am a woman. I am a thinker. I am a feeler. I am a writer. I am here to think and feel and write and share. This is who I am. I can't help it anymore than I could keep my father or mother from death. It is what it is.

This afternoon, I'll be going down to Venice to eat a cheeseburger in honor of my dad and his favorite hole in the wall bar. The memories I have with him and of him, I will stitch together into a little pouch and crawl into to find some warmth this week. And then I will let them echo through me as I step back into the river of life that rushes by and wants to take me along with it. But for a moment, it will be 1972, I will be seven, and my dad and I will be happily eating a cheeseburger enjoying our endless summer together.

Limelight Fears

2009-11-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I shared the stage with my father at the Actor Gang's WTF? Festival. I screened by dad's favorite of his HBO specials, "Jammin' in NY," and then read from his memoir, "Last Words." Then I read a few of my own stories about my childhood.

For years, I have been reading these and other stories about my life around Los Angeles at different spoken word venues. I did these essays as a side dish to my life. Never taking them or myself very seriously. I didn't want them upsetting the apple cart - my relationship with my father. You see, he was a little uncomfortable with my chosen art form. It made him nervous that I stripped myself naked, metaphorically speaking, and spoke of the confusion, hopes and miracles that make up my life. He wanted to protect me from some kind of unknown harm - critics? The artist's life? The impossible life in the limelight?

Thanks to the community of friends and artists I now find myself immersed in, I am taking my art form and myself more seriously these days. They have been telling me to take the stage more often, and so I am finally listening to them and to my heart that has been telling me for years that I belong on a stage, telling my stories and speaking about how I see the world.

Identity is bullshit ultimately. Who I see myself as is, in the big picture, meaningless. But in other ways it is essential to make an X on the ground and say, "Here I stand. And from here I will do this." And so, I will take my mark. Stand my ground and go out and speak my truth. I mean after all, that is what the old man taught me everyday of HIS life.

More Fun with Busting Fears

2009-10-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

This week was a lot mellower than last week. But got some shit done.

I finished all the accounting reconciliation finally. I am seeing my fear around money more and more clearly these days. I did not get healthy training when it came to money. My dad made it but hid from being an adult around spending, saving and investing, and mom just loved to spend it. And I was just given it too freely, for WAY too long. Not healthy. Not helpful. There was no such thing as fiscal responsibility in the Carlin household.

Therefore, I am schizophrenic around it. Part of me acts like my parents - spending without consequence. And part of me is really, really trying to do better - like looking at the bank balance everyday - it's like weighing myself everyday - accountability. At least I stopped putting shit on credit cards.

Ooooo. Oooooo. I got to do a really cool thing on Friday - I recorded a story of mine for an audio book! And GOT PAID FOR IT. My first money that I have made from MY writing (not with my husband as my partner - we used to write TV/Film stuff). It was funny how nervous I was about it all, and yet when I was there, it was so easy. I really loved it. My story is in an anthology book that should be coming out in January. The book is called Dirty Laundry (I think) and can be found here. My essay is about growing up in the shadow of my dad's fame. It's one of my favorites.

What else? Oh, yeah. Wrote a new bio:
Kelly Carlin is part Lucile Ball and part Marianne Williamson – in other words, she is not afraid to take a pie in the face in service of sharing her wisdom.

Whether Kelly is writing, speaking, teaching or coaching, her willingness to rip off her own “mask” always inspires a safe, sacred yet playful space for all to discover their own authentic humanity. This is not surprising considering she grew up at the knee of her father, George Carlin, who for decades masterfully wove great humor and deep truth as an entertainer. Having spent the last twenty years stumbling and bumbling along her own journey from the shadow of her father’s success to her own light of self-definition has given her a powerful insight into what we all ultimately crave - to be seen, heard and accepted for who we are under the mask we wear for the world.

Her professional life has taken her from behind the scenes in the world of TV/film to claiming the stage for her own creation of her one-woman show, Driven To Distraction. After two decades in the entertainment business, Kelly stepped away to get a new perspective, and in 2004 received her masters in Depth Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute. Kelly’s own brand of irreverent reverence can be seen and heard whether she is teaching individuals and groups how to claim their creative life through her Polymind Process, writing and performing her personal essays, interviewing legendary comedians for Laugh.com's On Comedy CD series or writing her upcoming memoir, called Now Appearing.

I'm outta here.

Have a great week.

Week 4 of Busting through 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-10-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit MOMENTUM!

Here's the BIG thing I realized this week: If you want something really bad (like I want MY book to be published) you are more likely to walk through fears that have stopped you in the past. It's amazing what a little desire will do to dissolve fear.

Great talk with literary agent about direction for my SPIRITUAL memoir. There it is, the big fear - I am admitting to the world that what I do is of a spiritual nature. To me that means examining what brings meaning to my life as a human, what it takes to embrace the whole shebang I am offered while being alive (the good, the bad, the beauty, and the ugly) and how I can walk through it awake and with compassion.

Built a new website: www.thekellycarlinsite.com where I have integrated all of my polyminds for the world to see, and fully owning that I am a hyphenate in an increasingly intergral world: author-speaker-teacher-daughter.

Said yes to teaching a 90 minute online webinar in December. Another HUGE fear busted through - teaching strangers, not just friends and acquaintances. Big hurdle in the past.

And of course, saying yes to all the promotion for my dad's book Last Words, that comes out November 10th. http://books.simonandschuster.com/Last-Words/George-Carlin/9781439172957 I'll be doing live, print, radio and TV promoting.

Which led me to saying yes to Tim Robbins when he asked me Wednesday night, "Will you read some of your stories at the screening?" Here's the link for that event: http://www.wtffestival.theactorsgang.com/calendar.html#nov4

Now go out and have some fucking fun!

Days 21-25 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-10-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

Where have I been all week? I've been here mostly. Genpo Rosh's Big Mind work is an elegant weaving of Zen Buddhism and deep shadow work. He utilizes a technique called Voice Dialogue to access aspects of the self. It enables you connect with aspects that have been mostly rejected by the self and therefore have become shadow elements. The amazing thing is with this work is that you not only access the dualistic voices, but you easily access the non-dual, transcendent ones too. You get to have an experience of the non-dual as easy as shifting in your chair. It turns out that all the "seeking" that we do to access this limitless, peaceful, and clear state of mind is the very thing that has kept us from it. The more you "try" the less you are IN it. I spent much of the week sitting in this space of clear, limitless mind.

And that is why this week has felt like: So Many Days, So Few Fears.

And then came Friday. A few weeks ago, I asked my manager for some help. I knew I needed an editor or agent to help me with my book outline. And he cam through. So Friday I had a conversation with a literary agent. It was a great conversation. She is smart, savvy and gets what I am up to. She was the editor of my dad's first book Brain Droppings.

Bottom line - during the conversation I claimed something that I know is what I have been avoiding claiming for a long, long time. It is about who I am and what I am really doing through all the work I do - finding a clear and consistent relationship with the sacred.

So, when it came to defining a genre that I thought my memoir would fit into, I knew where it belonged - in the spiritual memoir section. And although that word can be construed in a myriad of ways, most of which I hate, it is where I belong.

AND THIS WAS TERRIFYING. But here it is - I am writing a memoir - a spiritual memoir. I have been avoiding stepping into this label for a long time. I know ultimately it is what ALL of my work is about whether I am writing, performing, teaching or coaching, i am interested in my and the world's relationship with the sacred, the transcendent, the soul, the True Self, the Authentic Voice. Name it what you want, but it is it.

What a week.
Question for the week: What has your soul been asking you to claim for the last 10 years?

Days 18, 19 and 20 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-10-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

I was still feeling a bit crappy over the weekend, but I laid low and took care of myself. I resisted the need to do things that would have pushed my body, and I let myself heal. An important lesson I learned years ago that ended poorly when I ignored my body/mind and ended up in bed with pneumonia for a full month.

Today, and all this week, I am participating in a free online retreat with my teacher Genpo Roshi. You can check it out here from 10:30 AM-12 noon and then again 2:30 PM to 4:30 PM PST each day. His work is profound and simple to access.

This morning we did some work around the "thinking mind." In particular, we explored ways in which our "selves" tend to shun and disown this aspect of ourselves having deemed it "monkey mind" and "chatter mind" (especially if you are a student of meditation), and then the ensuing consequences for the self. Although I feel that I am pretty in touch with my "thinking mind," I found that indeed there are ways in which my "self" has squashed this aspect in service of being loved in the world - at times I have felt that the world does not like a smart woman, or a child that has more clarity than the grown ups, and when that happened, I shut up and created a shadow aspect of this voice within me.

My lack of ability as an adult to put my opinion forward and out into the world through my writing, performing and general citizenship, I feel is very connected to suppressing my "thinking mind." Add to that the prejudice that we in the world of Feminine thought have put on the thinking mind by believing that it is only associated with the separation of the body/soul from life and thus the rape and pillaging of the planet and its peoples, and well, what's a "thinking mind" to do? Run and hide. And then show up in all sorts of pathological ways like - 4AM terrors about life, obsessive worry, over-thinking, confusion, the need to be right, and shunning others as thoughtless bastards and idiots.

Once we thoroughly examined this disowned aspect of "thinking mind," we then moved to the owned, embodied, honored and acknowledged "thinking mind," and wow! It was calm, in the moment, wise, clear, ready to be of use to the world and the self, and could actually hold space for others. It was like sitting with Sitting Bull - wise, ancient and all seeing.

It hit me that from this place, I could even listen to others that scare me with their thoughts. I immediately thought of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who either make me shudder and hide or take me to murderous rage. So I came up with an idea - to practice sitting in the fully owned, mature, healthy, honored "thinking mind" while listening to one of these people this week. I am doing it with a very curious heart AND mind - curious about what I will actually hear when I allow my wisest, most grounded thinking mind to encounter their views.

I am KelCar on the chat as we participate online with this retreat. Join in the conversation and work if you feel pulled to do so.

Later.

Busting Through Fears Days 15,16, and 17

2009-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've been in bed sick these last few days. Not much to report, except this: facing my grief about my dad's death, and now being an orphan, is some of the hardest work there is. I have no idea if it has anything to do with being sick, but it sure hit me last night, again. And it hit me again how much I unconsciously put in the way of feeling this stuff - busyness, need to create, pleasure, emotional eating, fantasizing about a better life, doing this blog, etc.

I do not want to feel my broken heart.

And yet, it is here. And so am I.

Day 14/15 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days; Five Hindrances

2009-10-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a client the other day, and she mentioned the word hindrances, and I had an insight. In Buddhism, they talk about the 5 Hindrances that impede one's path to enlightenment.

They are:
1.Sensual desire (kāmacchanda): Craving for pleasure to the senses.
2. Anger or ill-will (byāpāda, vyāpāda): Feelings of malice directed toward others.
3. Sloth-torpor or boredom (thīna-middha): Half-hearted action with little or no concentration.
4. Restlessness-worry (uddhacca-kukkucca): The inability to calm the mind.
5. Doubt (vicikicchā): Lack of conviction or trust.

I think that "hindrance" might be a better word than "fear" to describe this 100 Day challenge I have embarked on. What keeps me from moving toward what I really want is something I am curious about everyday. What keeps me stuck in my status quo/comfort zone? I would say that on any given day or moment I could easily point to one of these hindrances and find the answer.

Certainly, most of the time it is doubt that turns into fear. But there are days when I would rather have the short-term pleasure vs. the long term goal. Or find that my lack of ability to move forward is based on an old story line of resentment and thus I will not move forward so I can "show them." And boredom is a HUGE reason for filling up my mind and body with crap I don't want and thus keeping me off track. And the inability to calm the mind often feeds my fears.

But then again, ideally what this challenge is about is DOING something that counteracts the hindrances, not analyzing them. So really, it is BUSTING THROUGH 100 Hindrances in 100 Days.

Report:
Yesterday I went to a dinner party, and someone was talking about the world through the filter of conspiracy theories. I normally just shut down and ignore these theories because they either make me depressed or enraged. No middle ground. But last night, I stayed with the person and just got curious - about them and how it feels to them to believe in such a thing. It felt risky to take this tact, and yet deeply fulfilling in the end because the discussion didn't become about truth or who is right, but about what it means to live in a world where it might be true.

Today - stepping through my torpor and doubt and getting back to the page. For a writer, everyday is a scary leap of faith into the unknown. Today is no different.

Knight Commission Recommends Universal Broadband, Urges National Dialogue to Improve "Information Health" of America's Local Communities

2009-10-06T07:31:00.001-07:00

A non-sexy topic (thus most Americans will not know about it) that is para-mount to the future health of democracy here or anywhere.

I especially am interested in the third "silo", "promoting public engagement among everyday citizens, both with information and with each other," but love that they are promoting the idea of the importance of "un-siloing" this discussion and weaving it into the bigger discussion.

Being a bit of a media-critiicism geek, I look forward to checking it out in more depth.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Day 13 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-10-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of changing the title of this challenge. I don't know if it is really possible to only couch what I feel like I am doing as "fears". I think that limits the thinking around all of this. Some days are absolutely about confronting a fear and then taking an action that debunks the fear. But what am I really doing here? What I am doing is listening to the inner messages/stories that shape my life, and challenging the ones that see to be full of shit. I am testing some kind of reality that I have assumed IS reality. I am literally questioning who I am every day.

One assumption that I make is - I am only okay when I am DOING something that the outside world will see as being productive. I know this is bullshit, and yet....

I can clearly feel the need to integrate some experiences that I have had these last few weeks. And when I integrate, much of my activity is inward focused not leaping forward or jumping from high places. Instead there is a turning my ear to my inner life - sitting quietly so that I can hear the stirrings of what has been awakened by my bold actions of late - and then weaving the new threads I have discovered into the tapestry of who I am, making the self richer, more colorful and larger.

I am honoring this urge today. I have walked this morning to let my body integrate. I will not be fluttering about on Facebook, Twitter, etc. today. I will go about my day in a more mindful fashion giving space to what needs to settle, find a new resting place, and later emerge as a new bud on this tree I call me.

Where are your urges sending you today?

What should I really be calling this challenge?

Days 11/12 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-10-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

No doubt, this challenge is challenging. After such an action packed week, I was exhausted this weekend. And her is what I learned: When you are tired, the last thing on your mind is stepping outside your comfort zone, especially since I feel like I LIVED outside my comfort zone all week.

I am looking forward to this week coming up. I know what one of my challenges will be to myself - to go on a mini-retreat. More to come.

What are some fears that you want to walk through this week? I'll be thinking too.

Day 10 of 100 Fears in 100 Days; What Family Looks Like Now

2009-10-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I once again hung out at Paul Provenza's tapings of his new show The Green Room for Showtime. Once again, fucking amazing.

First show - Penn Jillette, Martin Mull and Tommy Smothers. Penn was clearly geeked out by the fact that one of his heroes, Martin Mull was on the panel with him, and that he got to play a duet with him. I love Penn - big man, big opinions and one big fucking heart. There was also a fun and philosophic discussion about atheism, God and the notion of belief (love this stuff - always makes me think about my papa), but what I loved was when they talked about the mechanics of comedy - timing, silences, joke telling. Oh, and speaking of joke telling, Penn told Provenza's favorite joke about a pair of female Siamese twins - one of which played the trombone and the other who loves to masturbate, while they both love Julio Iglesias - need I say more?

Second show - Roseanne Barr, Bob Saget, Sandra Bernhard and Patrice Oneal. Very different vibe, more of an intimate conversation among friends about the business which eventually turned into a therapy session for Patrice about his disappointments with Roseanne, Sagat and Sandra playing the roles of therapist! Wow. And then, mixed into that were these bold declarations from all about the state of the world, our roles in it, etc. - you'll just have to watch it.

If fire was the first nights alchemical element, I would have to say the element last night felt more watery - like a shape-shifting and life giving force.

And me and this fear thing? Well. It seems these last few nights have created a state of fearlessness in me. There is no one I am being cautious around. There is nothing I am afraid to say. There is no discomfort. I am home.

While watching Martin and Tommy on the show. I suddenly got very emotional. I realized that in some way, these men who are the around the age of my father are my new fathers. And then hearing Roseanne and Sandra talk about their views about hope, and the planet, I saw that they are my sisters - I could have easily folded into their conversation. And Paul - well, he is certainly a brother (with Rick, Gary, David all funny, smart, big-hearted men).

Now that my mom and dad are both gone, people have been saying to me that I am now an orphan. Oh, how wrong they are, how wrong they are.

Sacred Cows, Alchemy and Day 9 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-10-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

This Polymind is tired today. Up too late. Up too early.

Last night I went to a taping of comedian Paul Provenza's new Showtime show The Green Room. For my part, I let myself be folded into the fabric of this comedy family that has been so beautiful to me this last year. I am so grateful. And even though there were moments I felt like stepping back into the shadows, I stayed present and in the light, and in the front row.

A little about what I saw last night.
Paul has created a big, safe space for comedians to hang out and do what they do best - daringly mouth off with great wit. At different times, depending on the guest configuration, it was thought provoking, heart warming and flat out offensive - which is a good thing - and always hilarious. My dad used to say that a comics job was to find the line and cross it. And Provenza does that and invites others to do the same while always in service of tearing down the sacred cows and making us question it all. It is a huge honor to be there and be part of this new family of mine - thanks Paul. Thanks dad.

But all that aside, the thing that was most amazing about last night was watching co-creation in action.

The first show had Jonathan Winters, Robert Klein and Rick Overton. There clearly was an atmosphere of reverence for Jonathan, but because Paul creates such an open space, Jonathan also got to show his most subversive side and speak his truth about his life and the business in a way that you just can never do on the Tonight Show or Letterman. We all knew we were in the presence of comic royalty. Klein and Overton felt it, and although there brilliance shone in the moments when they took the spotlight, you could tell they knew this was about giving back something to Jonathan. Paul set the atmosphere brilliantly.

The second show had Paul Mooney and Bobby Slayton and Jim Jefferies (all very provocative comics) and Rain Pryor. Again Paul set the stage perfectly, he threw the topics up in the air - being black, jewish, racism - all big bones for these four - and wow - the air crackled with wit, and on the edge of your seat anticipation. It was like being on a street corner and watching the jabs, insults and great put downs fly between a tight knit gang. At times it was a bit more "dick-waving" than I can handle, it's just not my personal style, but it was fucking fun to watch! They were all playing with BIG fire, and yet they knew it was play. This is a difficult and great feat. The alchemy was HOT. Paul is a wizard.

Playing with BIG fire - that is the lesson here in dealing with my fears today. I was raised to be the peacemaker in my family, to put out fires. So, I assume that I can't handle the heat, that I will get burned automatically, and so I tend to not go near the fire, and certainly not stoke it.

But in any alchemical transformation, you need fire. You need to turn it up! So I am seeing that with consciousness, humor and in service of tearing down my personal and the collective's sacred cows (the bullshit stories we keep in our heads to keep us from moving toward what we ALL need to do as individuals and a world), I need to be more willing togo into the fears (fires). It is a powerful path to transformation.

What will I conquer today/tonight in my own commitment to this FEAR thing? I do not know. I will return for two more tapings tonight. Maybe I will let myself jump into the fire, cross a line, play on the street corner. Who knows. Anything is possible. Burn, baby, burn.

Day 8 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

It's one of those days where there feels like no room to add "walking through a fear" to my To Do List. I have writing to do. Some other shit. And then Bob and I are off to a taping of a friend's new show, Paul Provenza's Green Room, late afternoon.

So I ask myself, what is this 100 Fears in 100 Days really about? Is it always about an action? Could it also be about claiming? Shifting? Being with myself in a new way? I will meditate on this today.

Tonight there will be lots of fame and talent and funny in the room and a chance to mix in it. In my past, this was a recipe for feeling invisible. But so much has changed this year around all of this. I have had many opportunities to get comfortable with my own power and place in the world and see behind the curtain I constructed around all of this. I know that the only thing that matters to me is genuine connection to others. The rest is bullshit.

I no longer look at these events as places where I feel I have to prove something to the world about my worth. I only know that I love people - their humanity, their perspectives and their hearts and souls. I also love artists who have a wide audience - I am fascinated how their unique brand resonates for many. And I am especially excited when artists get together to talk amongst themselves about their work, life, the world. So tonight will be fun.

I know tonight will offer me a few opportunities to step over some fears.

A couple of updates:
Will get the MRI later this month.
And I got an email from the literary agent - she has read my essays and liked them a lot, and will read the memoir pages this week!!!
I think I just buried the headline. :)

Interviewing Comedians

2009-09-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

This last year, I have had the privilege to interview some legends of comedy for Laugh.com's Con Comedy CD series. Here is the link to an excerpt of my interview with the FABULOUS Phyllis Diller.

It was one of the greatest afternoons of my life.

Day 7 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I woke up knowing what today's action would be - make my MRI appointment for my boobs. I am in a high-risk program at UCLA (my mom and grandma both had breast cancer) and I was supposed to make this appointment 2 months ago. My mammogram was fine, but ever other year I get an MRI to keep on top of things. And when it comes to this stuff, there is always fear underneath it. The big "What if..." So I will call today and get this baby off my list!!

Yesterday was good. I caught myself a few times almost writing or speaking about someone in a stereotyping way. And I started a cool discussion over at Soul Pancake Rainn Wilson's (of The Office) site about the big questions in life. I hope you check it out - the site and my question.

Since beginning this practice, I have had more energy and feel more alive. I think that subtle (and of course not so subtle) fear saps us of our life force in the long run. It's like it traps it in a hard, brittle case making it inaccessible to the whole system. So when we step over the fear or move through it, we crack that baby open, and get to capture that life force back.

So what are you cracking open today?

Day 6 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

Really? Day 6 already? Jeez.

By blogging about a political subject the other day, I have found a way into a conversation that I have been longing to have and host for a long time - How to reduce the vitriol that is spewing out of American's mouths and at each other, and how to bring back real dialogue about what we ALL want for this country.

I do not have an answer to this big question, but I am excited about doing my part in hosting the conversation here and on Facebook.

So, today, I am stepping out of that comfort zone and claiming a new practice for myself - I am taking responsibility for my own speech. I am now going to make a point in my own communication (speech, blogging, essaying) to stop labeling people.

I know that labeling dehumanizes us all. And dehumanization is what leads to hate, violence and actions we all regret.

I know it will be challengin because at times I just want to say things like, "those damn Neo-con, Christian, Right-Wing Nut Bags," but ultimately I see that when I do that, I am being lazy in my thinking and my speaking (although it FEELS good, but so does an 8 Ball of cocaine and I know where that leads), and I know that when people label ME that way, smoke comes out my ass and ears. I want to discover a new way to discuss all of this without doing that to others.

We are all so much more than stereotypes, labels and single perspectives. And I know that I can vehemently disagree with a person's opinion, and even feel fear about what they are saying, and not have to be sucked into name calling, fear-mongering, and bitch slapping - at least that is the goal.

So, where are you going outside of your comfort zone? What are you willing to do today that will SHAKE your world up? Walk with me.

Day 5 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Good Sunday Morning!

So yesterday I posted some thoughts about being American, feeling powerless over the fate of this country, and how self-questioning is a path to deeper understanding. I am generally terrified of going into this subject because politics creates such passion in people, and I generally like to be a peace maker. So I offer my remarks ultimately as a peace maker and a human trying to understand it all. But I always fear that I will have to defend myself against an attack and then I will end up getting all hopped up and righteous and red in the face and creating more chaos than peace. So that was a huge step for me.

Today I have already played on with my edges. I woke up early to talk about an upcoming project with someone I immensely respect and who co-wrote my dad's upcoming memoir. There was one thing on the list of ideas I had that I was a bit hesitant to mention. But I did, and it ended up being a really rich idea that will bring much to the project.

Hope your edges are expanding!

Who Do They Think this "Government" is Anyway?

2009-09-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

We so often hear these days how much people hate the government. I get it. There is a lot wrong with our country and most of it seems to involve the government - policies, bureaucracies, politicians that no longer serve the whole but only serve the powerful with their short term interests. Right, Left, poor, not so poor, black, white, young, old - we all feel fucked one way or another.

But I am really, really sick and tired of all the mud slinging and gridlock and especially feeling like a victim about all of this. I think a lot about how there are special interests just to big or just too powerful to tackle, and that as an average citizen I am powerless. It feels hopeless. Some people who feel this way even suppose that these special interests are a small number of white, very rich men who have devised all this so that they can rule the world. I do not. That just seems a little too James Bondish for me. (Recently it occurred to me that conspiracy theories are just convenient rationales that perpetuate one's political victim story - "I don't have to do anything or take responsibility because the system is set up by a secret cabal that squash every solution that could make the world a better place for all").

I have bought into this rationale myself for years. I was raised on this rationale. I know that in part, it is true (okay, probably not the part about a group of 10 guys meeting in a secret location to decide how to rule the world this week, but the part about the system being tipped in favor of those who get to make the big decisions).

So, what to do.

Well, I know that when their is a dysfunctional situation, and I am a part of it, then I must look at my part in it.

Therefore, I must ask myself - who do I think this "government" is? In my understanding the government consists of Americans. Americans working in an American institution created by Americans. Which then leads me to conclude we can't blame this shit on no one else. (Even if there are only ten men in a room ruling the world - I am guessing that at least seven of them are still Americans.)

We AMERICANS raised, educated, and shaped the people who make up this thing we call "the government." We Americans have some shit to figure out. And me as an American contributed to this in some way.

So, if we don't like this American government, then just maybe it is time to look at ourselves. Maybe we should be looking into our own hearts and minds as individuals and be asking - how did I contribute to this reality? what have I done to allow things we don't like to carry on, what am I ignoring in my own actions that perpetuates a system that does not serve us?

These are not easy questions. It is never easy to take a straight look at how we are contributing to a dysfunctional situation. But the reality I am glimpsing these days is that even if I don't feel powerful, I am a citizen, I am a being on this earth, I am here, and in some way my perspective, my consciousness, and my actions are either part of the problem or part of the solution.

Trust me, I would much rather spend time reading some esoteric philosophy, watching Glee on my Tivo, and eating my Double Chocolate Milanos than having to ask myself what can I do to be a part of the solution. But, it feels like it is getting precarious out there.

And now that I'm doing this 100 Fears in 100 Days, I cannot ignore the fact that looking at my part in all of this scares the shit out of me.

And besides, I like this place we call America.

Day 4 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

I feel I am facing a conundrum this morning with this challenge. You see, first of all it is Saturday. A weekend day. What kind of fear to face on a Saturday?

Secondly, I have done some things the last three days that make me feel full and satisfied. Isn't there supposed to be a day where you rest a bit on your laurels?

And yet, there is this commitment - to face a fear every day for 100 days. Hmmm. What to do...

My weekends don't feel like a bunch of fear facing opportunities like the work week does. But I am probably full of shit on this one. I like to think that most of my fears are about putting myself out there in the world - and there are many around this issue, trust me. But, I am guessing that there will be moments today when I can witness myself hesitate, censor or stop in the face of some voice in my head saying, "Stop! Danger! Don't go there!" And I will see that fear is a subtle little bitch that shows up ways that I had no idea about.

And when it does show up, I will say, "Step aside honey, there's a new bitch in town."

More later.

Day 3 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

Good morning. So I caught up all my accounting yesterday. It was GREAT! GOD that one has been gnawing at me for months. Today I will contact my book keeper to sort out a minor accounting error so I can then reconcile it in the software.

I need to write today - and on these days of writing, I tend to not do much else. So I am trying to think what I want to do to scare the shit out of myself today....

I know. I will send a copy of a screenplay that NO ONE has ever read to a friend that said that she would read it for me. The thought of sharing this with another makes my stomach go huooaa partly because it is a piece of work that shot out straight from my soul. It was like bliss writing it, and felt so resonant when I did it. I wrote it to be part of my thesis for my Masters in 2004. It is a musical that uses modern popular music to weave the stories of the Demeter/Persephone myth together with my own journey of mourning the loss of my mother. It was inspired in part by Baz Luhrman and Julie Taymor.

YIKES. Okay here goes.

BTW - What are you conquering today?

Day 2 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

I see a few people have joined me here to walk this together. Welcome to Margaret, Ni, Laurie and Bernadette!

Today I am going to face the fear of my finances. I am going to reconcile my business accounting after ignoring if for 6 months. I am SO glad to get this one off my list.

And just a little update about yesterday. I called my manager and said I need an editor to help me finish my outline for my book - he knew of the perfect person - my dad's first editor on his book who is now an agent. He is calling her today. AND he brought up wanting to start contacting speaker's bureaus for me.

I really get that this work of facing your fears, taking actions that scare us, is a HUGE act of co-creation. When we move, the world reacts in some new way. We are stirring up energy.

Feel free to post what you are doing today to face your fears.

Peace Out.
Kelly

100 Fears in 100 Days

2009-09-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

So, a friend on Facebook - a life leadership coach named Laura Neff - shared that she is committing to doing one thing that scares her for 100 days.

I figured it out that if I start today then on December 31st will be my 100th day. I cannot resist that kind of synchronicity.

Here is the quote that really got me thinking:
What are you putting off out of fear? Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do. that phone call, that conversation, whatever the action might be – it is fear of unknown outcomes that prevents us from doing what we need to do. Define the worst case, accept it, and do it. I’ll repeat something you might consider tattooing on your forehead: What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. As I have heard said, a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversation he or she is willing to have. Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear. I got into this habit by attempting to contact celebrities and famous businesspeople for advice.
~ Ferris, Timothy. The 4-Hour WorkWeek. New York: Crown, 2007.

BTW - what scares me might be a walk in the park for you - so cut me some slack and go scare the shit out of yourself today. You'll feel better for it!

So what scares me today? Well, I really want to move my writing, speaking , teaching career forward, so just about anything to do around that makes me nervous. Today I am working on creating a new website to showcase ALL of my talents past, present and future. I am assembling a list of all my content (writing, video, audio) and the steps I need to take to get them web ready.

Join me if you like on this 100 Day Adventure. Parties are much more fun when there are people to pass the pipe around to (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Zen and the Art of Web Spinning

2009-09-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

These last few months I have receded from the world to my backyard deck spending hours each day meditating, journaling and then working the outline of my memoir. I have been here so much, I am now embedded and a part of my garden's ecosystem. My niche in this system is to be the amazed witness to the buzz and hubbub of it all - a young pair of Phoebes nesting and raising their fledglings, the daily feedings of hummingbirds, bumble bees and various shaped and colored butterflies, and the juvenile crows hanging out on my trees like bored teenagers at the mall.

And then this week I noticed, with excitement, the garden spiders are back - the spinners of the most magnificent webs.

Every day I watch as her (her because of Charlotte, because she is me? I do not know) perfect web gets battered by the wind and destroyed by insects too strong to be held by its delicate threads. And every evening I watch as she begins her delicate and beautiful spinning again, as if she did not face this herculean task only 24 hours before. She does not mourn. She only knows that she must spin if she is to hope of catching a meal to sustain her. But sustain her for what, a perfection, or stasis? No, there is none of that here or anywhere. There is only spinning so that she may spin again and again until all her days of spinning are gone.

Every day I too face the ways life breaks down my body, my mind, my carefully crafted stasis. But unlike her, I pout, whine (really, I have to wash my hair again?) and often mourn how life does this endless dance of creation and destruction. And at times I feel it dismantle my own resolve to push forward. I ask, "what is the point?", and ponder what could be so wrong with just lying on my bed watching reruns of Law and Order until my death.

And yet, like it or not, every day, like the spider, I am also caught up in an urge to move forward, make order and fix what has been undone by time. I am inexplicably given invisible marching orders to spin more tales and unfold more of my delicate webbing into the world, so that I may catch a morsel of something that will sustain me for another interval, another turning of the earth across the day and into the night.

There is no preserving this web of hers. There is no way to create it to withstand the ravages of time and preserve the precious and precarious nature that brings us its beauty. I, with my conscious mind, fight with myself daily over the need to have things last forever, and the need to face the reality that it all passes away, some slowly, some in the blink of an eye, but in the end it all goes.

I suppose that is how the beauty of life emerges - in the chambers of my melancholy heart where a constant sadness for what was is felt, and in the unknown territories of my hopeful soul where a constant joy of what might be is born again and again.

And then there are those moments in between the creation and the destruction of it all, when it is all just as it is to be. Here I see that no matter what, there is something that lives beyond death and birth: The very urge to push, participate, spin, eat, kill, create and survive. It becomes crystal clear in those in between moments that my personal participation in this urge will die one day, but not the urge itself. That was here long before me and will be here still long after I have gone.

And then I see all the beauty, the joy and the melancholy. I am the spider. I am the web. I am the wind destroying the web. I am that which has been caught in the web. And I am the urge to spin and spin and spin until I am all spun out.

2008-10-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

I was just reading the Huffington Post this morning about how Palin is depressed by the media coverage, so her staff was telling her not to watch it. While at a rally, she said,

"that while she doesn't always appreciate the way reporters portray the GOP ticket, she's been bolstered by the prayers of many of the campaign's backers.

"But yeah, sometimes you do get depressed watching what it is that they're reporting and the spin and some of the distortion of what our message is and what we stand for. Sometimes that, that gets draining," she continued. "But it's at events like these and our rallies that we are so energized and inspired and we know that we are not alone. We feel your strength and we feel the power of prayer, so many of you tell us that you are praying for us and praying for our country and that's why we so appreciate you being here."

So my question is: How will they handle this new episode of cognitive dissonance? With so many Christians praying for her, and their ticket doing so poorly, and most likely losing the election, does this mean that the Blue Meme Traditional Jesus they worship might not exist? Will any of them see that their particular brand of Christianity is ready to be put on the shelf? Is this nation ready to move back to the more respectful, quiet type of choice of personal relationship with a Higher Power that doesn't come shreiking out every election cycle? Or are these lost children just going to pray harder for the Apcalypse now?

2008-09-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been three months since my father's death, and it seems that the strange world of mourning moves through my life more today than it did the first two months. Since having gone through deep mourning transformation 11 years ago when my mom died, I know better than to expect this process to be linear.

The realm of death, the underworld the ancients liked to call it, is anything but straight forward, regular or every day. That is why it is the underworld. It is the realm where all that needs to be put upside down will be, and all that needs to be dismembered will be, and all that needs to be put into its proper place will be too.

I have many sayings and mantras that are helping me right now - I call my life The Magical Mystery Tour because magical and beautiful things are happening to me and it feels like only the Mystery of Life could be bringing them to me. Another is Shock and Awe - the shock of death can lead one to see life in a whole other way that can only lead to awe. And the last is All of this is just part of the Web of Love and Light that holds me. Living in this liminal space is challenging.

A part of me wants to just be done with it, be back in the groove, and feel normal. But I know that I am being pulled through the eye of a needle right now, and well it can feel a bit strange in here. But because the Greek Goddess Persephone got to eventually leave the underworld to return to the world of the living transformed into her true nature, a Queen, I trust the process, and wait patiently as my True Nature awakens within me too.

2008-06-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Fans of my dad,
I am so completely touched by all your love and support for my father and for me right now. It is a strange thing sharing this with the world, and yet, this is what I have always done.
He was a kind man, a great father, and a deep and thoughtful voice for the world.
Now it is our turn to tell the truth and never tolerate mediocrity. Some saw him as a man who had given up on the world, I know that he was always trying to wake us up and make us take back our power.
Dad, I love you, miss you, and will carry on the torch.

Please donate to
The American Heart Association - http://honor.americanheart.org/site/TR?fr_id=1030&pg=tgreeting
The Thomas Jefferson Center - www.tjcenter.org

2007-12-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

There is something about the days getting shorter that thrills me. The thought of darkness, stillness, and hibernation ruling our psyches and lives gives me full permission to dive deeply into the realm of soul.

Being still enough to hear the small voice that connects us to Source, the infinite, is, for me, the profoundest honor of being a conscious being. We get to stop, listen and commune with God/The Universe/The Cosmos. What a privilege. What a miracle. What a true gift.

Musing on the symbols and ideas of this time of year - miracles, light emerging out of the darkness, giving presents - we are given many opportunities to go within and meet up with the miracle that WE are. The GIFT that we embody. The LIGHT that can only be known because of the darkness.

In the Greek myth of Persephone and Demeter, this time of year is when Demeter is still wandering the earth unsure about where her daughter Persephone has gone. All she knows is that she has lost contact with her, and her heart breaks for it. This can be seen as part of our own journeys - that time when we may have lost contact with our own innocence, full potential and possibility, and all we can see is darkness and confusion. But what Demeter, and our own ego selves don't know is that Persephone is indeed in the Underworld - a place of death, stillness, stasis - and yet in this place she is separating from all of her past ways of being, and being enthroned as a Queen. She has become sovereign over her destiny. Her ability to live with, and stay with Hades (death, stasis, stilness) allows her to remake herself with more power, grace and a new destiny.

As the Level 3 of the human psyche, the wolves and the planet moves into this deepest time of hibernation (Winter Solstice is the 21/22), I want to leave you with an appreciation of the hibernation that we are all living on some level, and with a poem that I wrote last year at this time.

Winter Solstice.

Here comes the light.
Here comes the sun.
Gather your wisdom, your selves, your deepest parts,
Turn toward where you are headed
and know that you have everything you need
to make the journey home.

Spring calls you like a whisper.
Persephone rustles underneath us.
Demeter mournfully wanders still in search of her potential.

Take a moment today, that very same moment that the earth takes to be still,
and ask...
What call still whispers in me?
What rustles underneath my consciousness?
What search is unfinished?

Bury your answers like a bulb in the soil.
Light a candle to show you the way.
Something indeed has been born today.

2007-09-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Don't know why, but I felt pulled to show up here this morning. Usually I have something that is just dying to be expressed, something that just won't let me go, and so I come here and share. But this morning, it feels like the space has just invited me in to show up first, and then create from the space it holds.

Just showing up and creating from what is in front of us is something humans have been doing for, well, for ever I guess. I suppose we wouldn't be here, this far along in our evolution, without that ability to create from the here and now. It seems like my ego wants to believe that I need a plan, the right tools and education, and then I can go and make something happen, or make a something. It's just not true is it? I don't know what the end of this sentence is as I type it, I don't know the end of a thought as I think it, and I certainly won't know what the end of this day, month, year, life will look like. And yet I move toward it anyway. I walk into the unknown in every moment. Funny. Funny, because so many times I hear myself and my clients talk about the fear of the unknown and the paralysis that accompanies it. But it really is bullshit isn't it. Without the unknown there is no life, no universe, nor no creativity.

Have fun in the unknown today.

Kelly

2007-08-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

I was at Staples the other day, and I saw that there were a bunch of people in there buying school supplies. Suddenly, my body ached like it used to in my early thirties when it wanted a baby. A voice appeared, "I want to go back to school. I want to surrender myself to a new semester, a new pile of books, new teachers, promise of new ideas and directions for my mind."

School for me was easy. I loved it. It had boundaries, expectations and rewards that worked for my own particular neurosis - intellectual people pleasing. School made me feel in control of the universe. I knew what it wanted from me, and I knew how to give it. Black and white. Information in, and analysis and information out. Pure bliss.

This fall I am not going back to school. Well, at least not that kind of school. I am jumping into making a documentary, and there certainly is a lot for me to learn. But there is no ONE set of parameters, or rules or hoops to jump through. It is all a bit gray and murky - tone, visual look, approach - no where is there a syllabus telling me how to get an "A" or what is expected of me in my final paper. I am on my own here. Just me and my subject (the American Dream) dancing by ourselves as amazing people and opportunities gather around me to support my journey.

I feel a bit like Frodo. I have a mission and I'm not sure that I am up for it. But I know that I must keep marching forward because no matter what I know that it must happen. I have surrendered myself to something bigger than me, and I feel like I have been chosen.

Now that I have heard the call, maybe I need to go back to Staples and get myself a new notebook, some paper and really cool pens. I have a feeling that new teachers, ideas, directions and books are in my future. I think the real education of Kelly has just begun.

Dream on,
Kelly

2007-08-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

I was watching some TV earlier today, and it was mentioned that it has been ten years since Princess Diana's death. I was immediately transported to that week ten years ago. A week that was the beginning and the end of so many things.

The week that Diana died I was in Santa Barbara at my very first Buddhist retreat. I and 900 others were at UCSB spending five days with Thich Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Zen Master. It was a miracle of sorts me being there, actually a few miracles. The first being that I had not driven by myself in my car out side of a very small perimeter of Los Angeles for over five years due to a crushing case of Panic Attack Syndrome. And yet, somehow I made it to Santa Barbara without a trace of panic, to learn to meditate and do walking meditation with this Zen Master. The second miracle was that I knew no one, had never done five seconds of any kind of meditation in my life, and I had certainly never just signed up for something like this in my life. I was even sharing a room with a complete stranger. I do not know what had come over me. Well, actually that is a lie. What had come over me was that my mother had died suddenly not three months before that. And I guess that is where the third miracle begins: I was given the gift of life through the horror and unrelenting grief around my mother's death. Suddenly all my fears, all my hesitations, all my reasons for not doing things were gone. There was just me and reality, and only so much time left on this earth to do and be who I knew that I had always wanted to be and do, but had been putting off for a time when it felt safer. Well, nothing was safe now, so now was the time to start being and doing. And that is why the fourth miracle happened.

It was on the third day of the retreat. We were invited to wake up before dawn, and meet Thay (Thich Nhat Hahn's nick name which means teacher) and his sangha (community) on the beach for walking meditation. I hated waking up early, I hated being cold, and I was not sure how to actually do walking mediation, but I was curious and so I dragged my ass out of bed at 5AM. We all gathered as the sun was rising, and slowly as a group, we walked down the beach behind Thay and some of the nuns and monks with him. Walking meditation is an act of being fully present while moving. You feel each step as you take it, staying out of your head, and with your body the whole time. After about ten minutes I looked up and it was quite a sight to see - about four hundred of us moving at the pace of a snail en masse on the beautiful shoreline of Santa Barbara. We were like a slow moving sculpture. The sun began to fill the sky, and I began to feel a level of peace that I had imagined unattainable in my life. I was filled with joy, love and calm. The ocean was glassy, and my mind was glassy too. Thay and the group moved up a trail that lead into the nature reserve on the UCSB campus. We walked slowly, carefully, mindfully along the path. Most were looking down in front of them, which is the proper practice. But, I was looking around at the trees, the birds and then the meadow we were walking through. And that was when I saw this fox. He was about 40 feet away from us. There were hundreds of us on this trail, about two or three people wide. A stream of humanity, and yet there was this fox staring at a hole where his prey was hiding. He never looked up, flinched or even acknowledged our presence. He just did what foxes do. And I realized we had become part of the landscape. Our peace, our calm, our mindful movement blended in perfectly with the meadow. A huge welling of joy leaped into my throat. And tears began falling down my cheeks. The fox, this meadow, my body, these mindful walkers were all one, one body, one mind, one being. I did not know what to make of it all, but I figured that I had just been invited into a new realm of being.

Later that day, I saw CNN announcing Diana's death. I was in a busy lobby of the dorms we were all staying in. Time stopped. Another mother was dead. I pictured the grief of those two young lads. But this time I had the meadow and the fox and that peaceful sea of humanity in my heart. And even though I knew those young lads' hearts had been ripped in half, I also knew that they were now on a journey where miracles can begin to happen too.

2007-08-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Just back from a week away at my Leadership Program I am immersed in, and it seems the world is on fire again - mine collapsing, hurricane pending, earthquake destruction. I sit back and ask it all - what does this have to do with me? Not an easy question to answer because I can't see all the threads here, except one. It is about that mine. Now what I am about to say is not meant to make anyone squirm with guilt, but there is some place inside of me that needs to stand up and own my own part in this, which is that I am a consumer of electricity here in Los Angeles, and here in L.A. we use energy from coal. There is a thread here. In some small way I have colluded with the mining industry that looks the other way when it comes to environmental and safety practices. And like I said, I am not saying this to be a martyr of guilt or a creator of one, but the earth is calling to me, she is saying it IS time to wake up, make a shift, do things differently. There are no more free rides. There is no more sand to put my head into. There is not enough reality TV to distract me from her truth.

And so I sit here in her truth, my truth, the truth and will honor my urges to act, change and rework my life in order that all can have life here on earth. I am scared, excited and a bit overwhelmed, but there is a path here somewhere, and I am determined to find it.

Peace out,
Kelly

2007-08-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

Is it really August 5th? I know I made some sort of vow to be here daily, and yet, it has not happened the last two weeks. Why? Because not all of life is about output. Sometimes, life is about input, mulling, chewing and stewing. There I said it. A flimsy, procrastinating writer's excuse? That's possibly your projection not mine. But a reason that I know in my life is real. Over these last seven years, as I have had a more consistent relationship with my creative production, I have found that all IS cyclical. And I love that.

Pete Seeger, The Byrds and Ecclesiastes were right, there is a season (is Ecclesiastes a guy?). And so for this blog it has been more like winter. And in winter, you don't see a lot of action on the outside, but you can bet that there is a lot going on inside working on things that will blossom in just a few months. My potential blossoming is a project about the American Dream (much more on that later, I'm sure).

So, I am off for 8 days to my leadership retreat in N. Cal. tomorrow, and when I return, I will be here. Until then - good wintering in the height of summer.

Kel

2007-07-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I have NEVER been the girly girl. I feel like I did not get the proper training from my own mother for that task, and I was not one who got the gene that helps you to know how to just look fab, chic and perfectly put together. I was a tom boy, who grew up in the 70s with counter-culture parents. So,when I was invited to a small and casual gathering at the pool at Shutters for a friend's bridal shower, I was a bit worried. I was told it would be very mellow and laid back, no big deal. Great, that fits my style. No, not great, because there is nothing involving me in a bathing suit and the pool at Shutter's that could possibly be mellow or laid back. When I realized that I would potentially need to expose my white, doughy body to the "Beautiful People" of the Shutter's pool, I went into a Def-con IV alert mode.

Now I generally consider myself a rather grounded, down to earth sort who doesn't bother with most of the bullshit that goes on in this town around image, fashion, fitness, all the things that The Beautiful People seem to live for. So I was rather shocked to find myself in quite a miasmic tailspin the day before this shindig. I realized that I was in deep shit because there was no way that a. I could lose 25 pound b. cram six months of Pilates, Tai Bo and aerobic training and c. buy new sun glasses, bathing suit, hair color and $30,000 worth of lipo suction in the next 24 hours. I had only what I had, and I was not going to transform myself into Demi Moore by 12 noon tomorrow. The fact that I was having these obsessive thoughts shocked me a bit because I was suddeenly seeing and feeling the severity and harshness of the nature of my fear and struggle with all of this. I didn't think I really had this amount of "body" issues. Because I am the bohemian laid back, down to earth one and not the exercise addicted, bulimic, Botoxed kind, I assumed I was in the healthy zone of body/self image stuff. But no. Can't say that now. I have clearly found myself out.

So what did I do? Well, when I was with my husband and my guy friends (god forbid I might talk to women in this moment who I suddenly saw as only perfectly waxed, groomed and weighted in my mind and therefore not even wanting to be in the same room with me), I mentioned that I was dreadeing the whole bathing suit thing and was just going to wear a cute dress and a great hat. All the boys grunted and nodded that this sounded like a great plan - God bless all my male friends who really do love me and get me - and so I breathed a sigh of relief because my plan seemed good and grounded in reality. I don't need to be like all the rest, I thought. I still get to just be me and I will be fine.

So the next morning, I get up and begin to prep. I wash, shave, pluck and paint every square inch of my body that needs such treatment. I am in a whirlwind of fear that I will be seen as the most unkempt, ratty, unladylike women who has ever walked the earth. If I can't show up in a string bikini, I will at least have clean hair, smooth legs and color on all my toes and fingers. I will make my mother proud (not that she for even a minute would have given a shit about any of this crap). Once I am done primping, I decide to try on my most ambitious outfit - an actual two piece bathing suit. I figure, I'll start there, and move my way through the outfits until I feel good. So the two piece was a good try, but not something I would want others to have to endure. And so I moved to the black one piece, and lo and behold, it hid the right stuff and showed off the goods enough that I know that I would not make too many heads turn, but I know that no one would turn away in disgust either. And so I donned my newwest cutest skirt and peasant's blouse, and my fab new hat, and off I went to Shutters.

I make my way through the lobby, to the elevator, up to the pool. I look around looking for the ladies, and see them in the distance. They wave and I move through the gate toward them in the far corner. And as I approach, I see that six out of the eight ladies there are all wearing shorts, skirts and t shirts, and clearly are not interested in taking any of these layers off. Almost all are thin, fit and firm, and yet here they are hiding a body that I know I would be showing off if I had it. And yet, here they were ashamed and unsure and uncomfortable needing to hide what ever flaws they deemed unworthy. And suddenly, instead of feeling like the odd girl, the one who doesn't do the feminine girly thing so well, I was suddenly just one of the gals, one of the neurotically body-obsessed self-loathing girls, but God damn it, I was one of the girls none the less.

2007-07-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I nestled into my couch to turn on the TV to one of my favorite films, Like Water for Chocolate. Here is a moment that made me sit up and really listen. It is when Tita has gone crazy from the death of her nephew, and Doctor John Brown has taken her into his home to give her time and space to heal. He is working with some kind of experiment and says to Tita,
"In 1669, Brandt a chemist from Hamburg, while searching for the 'Philosopher's Stone,' discovered phosphorous. My grandmother, Morning Star, she was a Kikapu indian, she used to say we are all born with a box of matches inside. We can't light them by ourselves. Just like in this experiment we need oxygen and the help of a candle, except in our case the oxygen has to come, for example, from a lover's breath. The candle can be anything: a melody, a word, a caress, a sound. Anything that pulls the trigger and sets off one of the matches. Every person has to discover what will pull his trigger to enable him to live. Because it the explsive flare of the match that fees our souls. If there's nothing to trigger the explosion, our box of matches becomes damp, and then we'll never be able to light any of them. There are many ways to dry a damp matchbox. You can rest assured there is a cure."

I believe it is each of our jobs to discover what is the trigger that enables us to live, enables our match to light, and to connect with it daily.

And on another note, here is a quote from my dad that just makes me smile: "I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary." - GC

Ah the joys of the polymind.

2007-07-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

I realize now that I have been pouting in the corner about finishing the Elizabeth Gilbert Book Eat, Pray, Love, because I well I just haven't felt like writing since then. Her voice inspired my voice. I have been strugging with and searching for that feeling I had those few weeks ever since, and I realize now that all this struggle and all this searching for THAT thing just is not the point. I see that there is a possibility that I am allowed to show up in the world how ever I am in THIS moment. NOW. And now again. And yes even now. I have put my experience on a pedestal, and worshipped it for all the love and glow I was feeling, and the power of my voice coming through. So I ask myself now, what was inspiring me? And it was her impeccable commitment to showing up with all of herself, no matter how it looked. And so when the book was over, and my inner voice felt like it had lost its GPS system, I was afraid to show up here. I felt vulnerable, and messy and like I wasnt' on my best game. And God knows, one thing I must do at any cost is protect my precious fucking reputation. And then I hear the voice in my head say, "What reputation dahling, no one knows who you are." Yeah, that is the rub. I am protecting a reputation I do not have, and I am protecting one that does not even reflect really how others see me - as the gal who is willing to show up real and without make up on.

So I am really tired of feeling like I have to be brilliant to show up in the world. And I am daring to show up unkempt, without make up and let my heart break in front of you. I can hear Rumi now, "Sell your cleverness, purchase wonder." God all of this is hard.

2007-07-11T22:06:00.001-07:00

What I really wanted to write about was how all my bitter, droopy, and very unshiny parts have come out to play the last week, and how I don’t want any one to see them, so I am hiding them. So many things precipitated all of this, and most don’t matter, but the one I want to whine about the most is being finished with that damn Eat, Pray,Love. When I was reading it, a part of me had been given full access to myself. And it is a part that I love frolicking in. It is real, true and easy to be with. It knows who I am, and is not afraid of anything. It just shows up no matter how it is dressed, and becomes the life of the party.

When I put down that book, it felt like I didn’t have a daily dose of something to invite that in. And so I bought a small early book by Annie Dillard hoping that it might do it for me. Her book The Writing Life, had done it for me in the past, but this new one did not. I began to panic. Where will I find my muse? Do I order another Elizabeth Gilbert book? No, I couldn’t do that. I felt like a desperate teenager chasing after the guy who keeps rebuffing her. No. I don’t want to look that desperate. So, I picked up Eat, Pray, Love and began reading it again. But it’s not working for me. None of the surprise and discovery is there. Yes, EG is still there, and the freshness of her words and her openness and her true and her real are all still there, but alas, no magic. And thus, my magic feels gone too.

Then add on top of that uber-stress about my dad’s mortality (oh, it comes and goes now that he is 70), and a critique about some work I did a few weeks ago, and some kind of mid-cycle hormonal shit, and well, I don’t know where to get my magic from. So I went for a bike ride today. I haven’t done that in like, well, never. And it was great. I moved my legs, I traveled at the speed of human propulsion, and what was great was that I had an urge to do it, and so I just did it. I could have, and almost did, talk myself out of it ten times. But I stuck with it, and now I can say to myself – I went for a bike ride today. Of course, I had a glass of wine and a cookie this evening, so any caloric benefit I might have gotten, I quickly found a way to undo. But God damn it, I did it, and looking back on it now, well it seems a bit magical to me.

2007-07-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

shame shame shame

That is what my mind kept circling around these four days because I did not connect to this space. Instead of owning this space as mine, I turned it over to the largest nun in the world who has the biggest stick in the world, and all she wants to do is use it on me. Her name is Helga. She has been a resident of my psyche for decades and she is all about keeping me small. But even though she occasionally moves back into my inner world, I no longer let her unpack. I have asked her to leave.

Hopefully, there will me more tomorrow.

2007-07-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

So it is 7-7-07 today. Never will it be this again. That sounds a bit dramatic, but there is something to say about really acknowledging the weight of any one moment. I don’t know if I could sustain doing that 24/7, but as a slightly regular practice it could be a good thing.

I remember being around 7 or 8 years old and standing in front of a full-length mirror looking at myself, and the something in the moment just washed over me and hit me. I stood there looking, really looking at myself, and a voice inside me said, “This is really it. This is not a dream. This is really my life, and it is real, I am real, and I am living it.” A whoosh of a breeze moved through the inside of me, a hard reality settled in, yet I was suddenly free of something that had confined me before. I was at the same moment both more outside and inside my own life.

I still have moments like this every once and a while. But I must admit, I fear them on some level because when I have them, there is some kind of harsh reality that does blow through me, and my ego/persona/personality gets exposed as the mask it is, and I see into the bigger reality of what is and what could be if I just let go of it. I am both attracted and repelled by this reality. I know ultimately it is what I really am, and yet, here I am, living this life, the life of Kelly Carlin-McCall. Both are true, and yet both are not.

So today, with this one day that is here and now, I am going to live it as present as I can be. I will stay connected to the BIG Reality while I watch hours of Live Earth concerts coming into my living room from seven continents, and celebrate the beginning of the Tour de France’s 94th start .

So, enjoy this 7-7-07, and remember, never will it be this again. Think green and go Discovery Team!

2007-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

I thought on this day of Independence I would evoke a conversation about what it all means. This is an excerpt from The American Soul by Jacob Needleman.

“The Declaration of Independence

‘When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station, to which the laws of nature and nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect for the Opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness (The Declaration of Independence).’

Again, we are searching for the philosophical assumptions of our form of democracy. Whenever we see the idea of rights, we must realize that something is also being said about the structure and makeup of the self. We are being told by Jefferson that we human beings have within us, as part of our intrinsic makeup, the capacity to intuit the good and the power to will the good. We are capable of guiding our own lives toward an authentic and purposive end. Such assumptions about the intrinsic capacities of human nature contradict the basic thrust of the Calvinistic Protestantism that played such a dominant role in the settling of the New England colonies. The Jeffersonian view of human nature is diametrically opposed to the Calvinistic doctrine of man’s essential corruption and incapacity, and accords great powers and capacities to the human soul. Since every right implies a power, to grant man so many rights can only be based on an exalted vision of human powers. And to say this is to come directly in front of the question of whether democracy is based on an accurate assessment of our actual capacities. We are confronted with the age-old but eternally challenging question of what man is as opposed to what he can become. What may have seemed questions of only external, political relevance – questions that one can safely think about without reference to deep metaphysical or psycho-spiritual issues – now draw us irrevocably into the heart of spiritual philosophy (pp.144-145).”

So here are my Polymind questions:
What is it to declare independence in your life?
Who and what are you declaring this to?
What are you becoming independent of?
What is the relationship of independence and interdependence?
What is it about rights, power and responsibility that comes with declaring this for yourself in your life and as a citizen of this country.

Happy 4th and eat a hot dog for me.

2007-07-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

Been gone a few days, and finding it hard to reconnect to my words. I spent the weekend preparing for, unrolling and recovering from a workshop that I lead (not alone but with my fabulous partner Ginny), and now I am feeling far away from myself. It’s like my psyche put its sites on something out there, and now I am having a hard time, coming home, regrouping and finding myself, my voice. This is not a new experience for me. Transitions are challenging. Moving from role to role, no actually moving from a more public, leadership role – workshop leader – back to me as vulnerable, questioning human – THAT is the challenge. It is like once I am in a position for people to see me, interpret me as strong, smart and wise (which happens the minute you stand in front of people and hold your power), I start to believe that this is how I must always show up. I feel like that if I don’t show up as that “enlightened being”, then I will disappoint or even worse, I will damage. How fucking sick and arrogant is that? And how fucking sick and tired of this bullshit I do!

I am amused by this whole scenario because I desperately want to be able to do both, and yet it is quite uncomfortable for me to do just that. Maybe I want the impossible. Is it impossible to become a person who stands in front of others and inspire them while at the very same time being human and vulnerable? No, of course not. But for me, it feels strange, dangerous and wrong. Clearly, I have made some BIG shit up about all of this. And yet I know that this is my life’s work. I am fascinated by collapsing hierarchies, and clearly I have one to collapse over and over again within myself.

More to come later. Oh, and BTW, I have begun Eat, Pray, Love again to help me regroup and reconnect to me. Crazy - maybe.

2007-06-28T22:43:00.001-07:00

I have finished Eat, Pray, Love and am mourning this ending. There is something in Gilbert’s writing that has fed me these last two weeks. If I could eat the pages, the very words she wrote in order to assimilate what it is she is for me, I would do it. But I can’t, and so I steady myself by focusing how my body feels when in the presence of her willingness to be real and human in front of all of us. Real and human, that is what it is, and that is what I want for my expression of myself. She does not hide, she keeps tearing off the layers that ego constructs everyday. She diligently tears them off and then shows up on the page. This is what I aim for – stripping off the stories and lies I want to construct to feel better, to look better, to perform better. Fuck that. No more competition. No more better/worse. I’m done with that. There is just me here, now. And I thank Elizabeth Gilbert for being my Virgil into the realm of my own authenticity this week.

That is it for now.

2007-06-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I read this line of Rumi's, "Sell your cleverness, purchase wonder." If I ever need a reminder of how to get out of my head and back into my heart, I do believe that line will forever do it for me.

It is funny, or maybe not, how attached I have been to my cleverness over the years. I have hung onto it like a life preserver throughout my life, believing that without it I will drown. Even in this moment I worry, "will this post be clever enough to keep their attention?" I give up. I'm going for wonder.

In Iran, there are people who roam the streets peddling Hafiz poems (another Sufi poet). You pay them some money, and they pick one from the pile, and read it aloud. The one they pick IS the exact one meant for you.

Here is the one I just picked for you (swear I just picked it at random):

The Mule Got Drunk and Lost in Heaven

The mind is ever a tourist
Wanting to touch and buy new things
Then toss them into an already
Full closet.

So I craft my words into those guides
That will offer you something fresh
From the Hidden's Tavern.

Few things are stronger than
The mind's need for diverse experience.

I am glad
Not many men or women can remain
Faithful lovers to the unreal.

There is a kind of adultery
That God encourages:

Your spirit needs to leave the bed
Of fear.

The gross, subtle, the mental worlds
Become as a worthless husband.

Women need
To utilize their superior intelligence
About love

So that their hour's legacy
Can make us all stronger and more clement.

Sometimes a poem happens like this one:

The mule I sit on while I recite
Starts off in one direction
But then gets drunk

And lost in
Heaven.

from The Gift: Poems by Hafiz The Great Sufi Master; translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Wonderfully,
Kelly

2007-06-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

One of those mornings where I woke at sunrise. This has happened now twice in the last week. It’s like the sun has something to say to me. And this is not like my normal self. My normal self normally likes the winter, the gray, the darkness or late night (I am the woman who wrote her master’s thesis about the Greek goddess Persephone – Queen of the Underworld). The gloomier days have been when I have felt most connected to my soulful and deepest parts. I have not seen myself as a Sun worshipper too often. But, part of the reason I awoke this morning was my literary agent popped into my head. I thought, “I’ve been blogging, I should let her know. Maybe she’ll like what I’ve been writing.” And boom suddenly there was an evaporation of myself, and in came marching in my strategic mind with all his cronies, wanting to suss (sp?) out every option and opportunity I may have to become famous. I picture them with their cigars, jackets off, rolled up sleeves and suspenders, like some kind of Wall Street bankers, looking for ways to carve up the world some more for their private use and profit.

And this is why I have been ignoring my literary agent for a while. It is not personal. She’s actually smart, fun, generous, and a huge fan of mine. It just seems that I have made her into someone who serves my greediness, and therefore I must please to the ends of this earth. Because if I don’t I will die alone, penniless and undistinguished. And so dipping into my creative self under those conditions is not very fruitful. When I create that kind of situation, I creatively run dry, which is what I would not hope to be around her, since she is the one who might be able to help me actually share my work with the world. So in order to find my creativity, my voice, my fertility, I have not spoken with her for a few months.

When she first met me, she was my dream come true. She saw me at a spoken word event and loved my work. She really got me, heard me, and did I mention that she loved me. I see now how this was the hook for me. I have been known to have the Desperately Seeking Love and Approval radar on most of the time, and here she was, not only loving and approving of me, but a road to the fame that had alluded me for so long! She was perfect. Yes, perfect for the those parts of me that were running on empty, trying to get every last inch out of my childish, archaic needs to desperately mean something and matter to the world. For about a year and a half I strung myself along with fantasies of writing my memoir (this will be done, I swear), and then a book where I would save the world by sharing all my wisdom and insights about what is so wrong with it all. But because it was all rooted in this “Love me, Need me” place, none of it got off the ground. Funny how that works, huh? It is all there: the subject matter, the pieces of my life, the stories, and I suppose my talent, but my heart wasn’t’ in it.

Here’s another thing about all of this that came to me this morning: this is not the universe’s fault – this “when will I be famous and significant” shit. It is mine. I have been blaming many things on why I have not written my book yet, why no one in the world knows who I am or what I am about. Of course, my mother and father come into that picture often, and then lately I have added God to that list. But I now see that my invisibility has been my choice. All along I really believed that I wanted fame, attention and recognition. But I see now that has not been the case. I have chosen oblivion, silence and invisibility by not taking certain steps, by staying small when I could step up and be bigger, by staying quiet when I could have been loud. I have been afraid to speak up and speak out. I have made myself insignificant. Not my literary agent, not my parents, not God. And a part of me is happy about that. Have you seen the shit that Paris Hilton has to put up with?

I don’t have anything brilliant to conclude here. This revelation is new and I feel that I must sit with it. You know, work it like a loose tooth until it frees itself and I can spit it out and put it under my pillow. And then, maybe finally then, I will be able to transform it into a shiny new coin that I can take out into the world and exchange it for something that I really want.

2007-06-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Today I have realized that I have gotten on the other side of a few things that have, in the past, eluded my understanding or grasp (I wanted to use the verb ‘Mastered” in the last sentence in place of gotten on the other side of, but I just know that if I were to do that I would be 1) kidding myself – I am getting that I master nothing AND 2) setting myself up for some kind of karmic suicide – the universe licking its lips at my arrogance - did she say Mastered?).

Anyway, the few things I have gotten closer to are: transitions, comparing myself to others and fruits and vegetables.

Today I made a hell of a transition. After spending my morning on the computer, going through piles of paper and reconciling my business’ bank accounts, I got up, walked out of the office, shut the door and went outside and finished my book. Now before you deem me some kind of retard, let me explain. I am not good at these left brain/right brain transitions normally. Once my high and mighty left brain (analytical, way too good at math and other solving adventures) normally gets going, I begin to spread my sights on things like solving the world in a numerical equation, or planning some fantastic (as in fantasy) marketing scheme for my many business ideas. My mind/body normally gets so wrapped up in all of this that I forget to eat, dress and brush my teeth. I am once again a coke addict, but without the fun numb gums part. But today at 2PM, I faced myself and said, “Stop.” And I did. I closed the door as a literal and metaphorical way of cutting myself off from a way back into my left brain frenzy, and put on my sun worshipping clothes, big hat, XM channel 862 – the Loft, and picked up Eat, Pray, Love and immersed myself in all things gloriously right brained. (Yes, I know that my reading and languaging is coming from the left brain partly, but I am reading for PLEASURE which for me is all about the feminine right brain.)

Next on the list: comparing myself - oh, I believe this is the bane of all of humanity. If I could ban it, I know we would all be a happier planet. Since I have returned from Scotland some part of me has just been done with this. I see the little comparing bugger coming from a thousand miles away now, and just shoo him off before he is even within a mile of me. He showed up today as I was reading the blurbs on the back of Eat, Pray, Love, and there was one that said that there couldn’t be a more enjoyable writer right now, and I could see that little bugger starting to ramp up, “well, what about me, I could be as enjoyable as she…” STOP. It’s not important. Just keep reading. Just keep living. Just keep writing. All that other stuff means nothing. And then there it is, a resting back into myself, a warmth and groundedness, a truth of the now. I open up the book and keep reading and smiling and crying my way through it.

And last but not least fruits and vegetables. Oh, you laugh. For me, I have been a meat and potatoes kind of girl my whole life – I’m Irish/English for Christ sake. My DNA demands it of me. But lately, I have found that I am craving, falling in love with and actually choosing to EAT fruits and vegetables at random times of the day. They call to me. Oh, there is a banana, YES. Oh, spinach salad, YES. MANGO!! Don’t know how or why, and I don’t care to ask my big fat nosy left brain to solve this one. I just am doing it. And loving it. I feel like I love my body, myself more when I eat them. Like they are life, I am life and I need them for my life. Novel, huh?

2007-06-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday. I suppose it is ironic that it is Sunday when I am having this particular revelation: I am finally getting more comfortable with, accepting that for me the life of the soul is everything. For the last ten years, I have been struggling with this notion as my life has walked further and further into practices, inquiries and vocations that take me into the depth of my depths.

But something has hit me this morning, well maybe it is more like a lifting, a lifting of shame and embarrassment about my need and love of all things soulful. I have struggled within my own heart with skepticism, doubt, and rational analysis that has come in many voices within me that see my infatuation with all things beyond the material as some kind of Freudian delusion. But at some point I have become tired of my internal eye rolling, and have woken up willing to acknowledge that being human means living on two planes. There is no denying it anymore. Even if one has no relation with the metaphysical in its most familiar form – God, there is still a need to read verse poetry, be stunned by a sunset, brought to tears by witnessing an act of kindness. And for me, this is the realm of soul. The human heart wants certain things, cannot always contain itself within level-headed hypotheses and this is the realm that I wish to get lost in, explore and I find my true self in.

So it is Sunday, and actually now that I think about it, there is no irony here, only what must be on this Sunday - one woman no longer making excuses for her heart and for her soul.

2007-06-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Zen Mind

Reading about killing the Buddha today. "If you meet the Buddha along the road, kill him", they say - they being the Buddhist masters. When I first read this many years ago I was aghast. What? Kill the very thing that will finally solve it all for me? What would I be left with then? A dead Buddha? How the hell is this going to work?

What I have come to understand is this: that we all must kill the thought, the idea, the notion that there is a supreme and enlightened being and it/he/she is separate. We must get over this false belief that we are here and God is there, and that our job is to find ways to close the gap between us.

What is reality is that there is no gap, there is no here, there is no there.

What would your life look like if you took me seriously right now, and let this reality BE real?

I’ll say it again: There is no gap, there is no here, there is no there.

There is nothing to strive toward, there is nothing to compare against, there is nothing to be different from. It is the striving, the comparing,and the differencing that is killing you. STOP IT.

You are not separate, you are the AND, you are the YES, you are the everything and you are the nothing RIGHT NOW.

Now go out there, get some ice cream and be kind to you/all.

p.s. And if you see a Buddha, make sure it really is a Buddha before you go killing it. God knows I don't want to be responsible for some kind of mystical manslaughtering.

2007-06-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

So, my clamoring self seems to have settled down a bit today. Some kind of perspective returning; I no longer feel like I am submerged in a muddy hell. And so feeling a bit clearer this morning, I begin to read a newsletter from Carolyn Myss with an essay by Robert Ohotto that got me thinking about what I have been writing about these last few days. Robert seems to have an astrological/archetypal take on this whole, "I don't want to grow up!" thing that I struggle with. His take is that this is not just a personal struggle, but a generational/cosmological one. Whew. I thought maybe I was just stunted.

Robert writes, "...if we are going to collectively begin rebirth ourselves as mature adults. This requires that we begin parenting ourselves such that we rise from the ashes of the generational shadow that the Baby Boomers are negotiating: the Ego-centric Child that seeks constant affirmation, attention, and importance to the detriment of collective resources and the greater good.

...Yet, The Child Archetype and its shadow are something that each individual must face in their development creatively. The Child Archetype is, in part, the source of our creative genius when it comes to being spontaneous and free to express our inner sense of divinity through what we do in life. But unless you are able to make your child inside feel safe and nurtured, how is that part of you going to come out and play?

...In July of 2005, having just spent two and a half years in the sign Cancer making sure we take increased responsibility for mothering ourselves to secure greater emotional security and belonging in our lives (while restructuring our so called ‘family values’); Saturn entered into the astrological sign Leo (a sign resonate with the Child Archetype) and issued a new task for us all in terms of fathering ourselves so that we can bring out more of our inner creative authenticity.

...Thus, when Saturn is moving through the heavens, He begins to search out the fissures in our ego structure that are not supportive to housing a new level of our true potential: a new facet of our Soul. I like to call this alchemical process the dark night of the ego because it forces us to reorient our relationship to how much of us is in unconscious allegiance to our past conditioning—meaning that some part of our ego/past must die.

...On an individual level, since Saturn entered into Leo in July of 2005, I have worked with many clients that have experienced this new alchemy as a call to grow up more, paradoxically, so that they can be a child again and embody their unlived creativity!

...Saturn in Leo demands that we become Kings and Queens of our inner domain, Sovereigns unto ourselves through an authentic connection to our inner star quality, you game?

...Many Baby Boomers are becoming increasingly vested in a new model of thought: It is no longer the collective that is responsible for the individual, but the individual that is responsible for the collective. Something that I think the next generation will be making even more of a reality. That’s what I’m talkin’ about! And so it goes………"

I am not a Baby Boomer. I was born in 1963. But my parent's were, and we all inherit some of our parent's pathologies and shadows. And so I struggle too with all of this.

And so this leads me to a question that seems to be haunting me, one that has been following me around and won't leave my poor soul alone - how do we as a collective, get beyond our narcissistic ego needs to do the real work we need to do this next century? How do we let our child energy play, and face the enormity or what only an adult can face in these crazy times?

More to come, I assure you.

2007-06-19T22:09:00.001-07:00

My voice is still here. It has not been replaced. This is the thought, or actually the voice that I heard while driving to the market earlier today. I was thinking about the book I am reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and how she is writing like I would, and writing how I would be writing, and I thought a familiar thought which I have after reading Anne Lammott, “Oh, well, she has done it, there is no room for me.” And then the voice clearly said, “Your voice has not been replaced.” And a gush of relief and space opened inside of me, and I knew that I have a right to not only occupy the space that is Kelly, but that what comes out of me is, not matter what, unique. It’s like getting that we are all part of the interdependent ecosystem of life, and that whether we are a blade of grass, an oak tree, or a 10,000 foot mountain, none of it would exist without the presence of the other.

Having a voice is one thing, using it is different. When I go to use it is when the questions, anxiety and imaginary demons pop up and the whole approval thing begins again. But as my dear friends say, “that’s my old story.” The new one begins now, and now, and yes even now. Every moment is now an opportunity to start again, start fresh and new, with a voice, using my voice, risking it all in service of who knows what.

2007-06-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

I am a whore. I cannot think of anything I want to pursue in my life without thinking about how it might make me more noticeable to the masses. Now I must be frank with you that I may even be writing these very words for this very reason right now. But I can’t help myself, and therefore you must have compassion for me(okay, you don't need to do anything here but hopefully listen with an open mind). And the saddest thing is that there are no masses really to make myself more noticeable to - I have no mass audience, no following, no cronies or minions. I have a few friends and loved ones who are willing to listen to me, and most smile and enjoy what it is I have to say. And I can't tell you how appreciative I am of them.

But, I don’t think that my confession is much different than what we all do anyway. Aren’t we all looking for some love and attention? Is there anything we do from a pure place of just wanting to be doing it? I do not know anymore. I suppose there are some things that I do for this reason, but I can’t think of any right now, except for maybe I pursue getting noticed because I love doing that? Can’t this be pure too?

What is this chasing after your attention all about anyway? Why do I believe that I am not really living my life if potentially thousands of people aren’t turning their loving gaze my way? Okay, so my dad is famous and psychologically that all makes sense, and yes I’ve done A LOT of work in therapy already to get me to what I consider a much more balanced relationship with all of this. But the reality is that wherever I go, there I am and so this issue just keeps circling around and around me like a newly abandoned jet ski. I would love to jump on it and move on to somewhere else, but it is here in this circle I keep finding myself, and finding myself is what I am looking for. So no more avoidance, no more excuses. This is what I must talk about, until it just doesn’t pull me around anymore.

2007-06-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

It has become clear to me that I am not too thrilled with this whole growing up, being an adult thing. I am finding there is a lot to be desired here - like some one to pay my rent, some way to deal with the endless stream of paper that comes in the mail, and I won't even begin to mention the fact that my body no longer cooperates with my every wish.

I suppose being 44 and just coming to this conclusion may seem a bit unusual. No doubt. But unusual and me, well we just seem to go together often and repeatedly. You see, this whole adulthood thing has really just hit me. Especially in the last week - since I turned 44. What I have been doing for the last 24 - 26 years that most would consider adulthood, I don't think was adulthood. I think it was a feigning, an imitation of, or maybe even an impression of adulthood. But not an actual adulthood. Part of it had to do with money and my father. He gave it to me, and I spent it. Like I said, I did my best impression of adulthood, I did use the money for things like rent, utilities, health insurance for the most part. I was not shoving it up my nose, or buying euro trash bottles of Crystal at least. (Well, okay in my twenties I did a lot of shoving up my nose, but I was mostly using my first husband's inheritance for that, I at least was the one who knew not to squander away MY father's money on that crap!)

So here I am now, stuck, managing, groping my way through being an adult in a life that might not have prepared me for it all as much as I would have liked. But I bet, I just would put a little bet on a hunch that I am not alone.

More from the front later. Much love and don't take it all too seriously.
Kelly

2007-06-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been a year since I blogged here. It's been so hard to figure out how to do this blogging thing. Do I do it on a web site, do I do it with my coaching site, do I not bother at all?

Part of my resistance has been an assumption I make constantly, that I need to hide my true self from those that I may be working with as a life coach. I get sucked into this thing that believes that I must maintain some kind of all wise, all knowing stance, and that if I don't I will lose my clients. What is so fucked up about that is that my training and perspective about coaching is that I have little to do with what and where my clients go - they are the ones doing all the work. But I get my self sucked into the land of reputation and approval and screw myself every time. So what has happened to me is that I have censored and stifled myself this last year, and not come forward with my thoughts and things about my life, the world and anything else.

And who am I kidding, it's not just about my life coaching, it's really about fear of disappointing everyone by revealing my thoughts, ideas and feelings about life and the world around me.

Well, I turned 44 yesterday, and I think it is high time I got over this bullshit approval seeking crap. The self-betrayal I create by living silently is becoming too much to bear. Confusingly, I grew up watching my dad being a person who did not silence himself, and followed his urges to express all that was on his mind. But I think that he did not have to live under a shadow of that kind of parent. Growing up in the shadow of a George Carlin, my dad, is a different kind of life than he had. He had some kind of permission that I have never given myself.

But as I said, that is no longer working for me. I'm tired of this shadow, I'm tired of my fear, I'm tired of worrying about how it will all look.