I've been in bed sick these last few days. Not much to report, except this: facing my grief about my dad's death, and now being an orphan, is some of the hardest work there is. I have no idea if it has anything to do with being sick, but it sure hit me last night, again. And it hit me again how much I unconsciously put in the way of feeling this stuff - busyness, need to create, pleasure, emotional eating, fantasizing about a better life, doing this blog, etc.
I do not want to feel my broken heart.
And yet, it is here. And so am I.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Well, it has been three months since my father's death, and it seems that the strange world of mourning moves through my life more today than it did the first two months. Since having gone through deep mourning transformation 11 years ago when my mom died, I know better than to expect this process to be linear.
The realm of death, the underworld the ancients liked to call it, is anything but straight forward, regular or every day. That is why it is the underworld. It is the realm where all that needs to be put upside down will be, and all that needs to be dismembered will be, and all that needs to be put into its proper place will be too.
I have many sayings and mantras that are helping me right now - I call my life The Magical Mystery Tour because magical and beautiful things are happening to me and it feels like only the Mystery of Life could be bringing them to me. Another is Shock and Awe - the shock of death can lead one to see life in a whole other way that can only lead to awe. And the last is All of this is just part of the Web of Love and Light that holds me. Living in this liminal space is challenging.
A part of me wants to just be done with it, be back in the groove, and feel normal. But I know that I am being pulled through the eye of a needle right now, and well it can feel a bit strange in here. But because the Greek Goddess Persephone got to eventually leave the underworld to return to the world of the living transformed into her true nature, a Queen, I trust the process, and wait patiently as my True Nature awakens within me too.
The realm of death, the underworld the ancients liked to call it, is anything but straight forward, regular or every day. That is why it is the underworld. It is the realm where all that needs to be put upside down will be, and all that needs to be dismembered will be, and all that needs to be put into its proper place will be too.
I have many sayings and mantras that are helping me right now - I call my life The Magical Mystery Tour because magical and beautiful things are happening to me and it feels like only the Mystery of Life could be bringing them to me. Another is Shock and Awe - the shock of death can lead one to see life in a whole other way that can only lead to awe. And the last is All of this is just part of the Web of Love and Light that holds me. Living in this liminal space is challenging.
A part of me wants to just be done with it, be back in the groove, and feel normal. But I know that I am being pulled through the eye of a needle right now, and well it can feel a bit strange in here. But because the Greek Goddess Persephone got to eventually leave the underworld to return to the world of the living transformed into her true nature, a Queen, I trust the process, and wait patiently as my True Nature awakens within me too.
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