Days 21-25 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Where have I been all week? I've been here mostly. Genpo Rosh's Big Mind work is an elegant weaving of Zen Buddhism and deep shadow work. He utilizes a technique called Voice Dialogue to access aspects of the self. It enables you connect with aspects that have been mostly rejected by the self and therefore have become shadow elements. The amazing thing is with this work is that you not only access the dualistic voices, but you easily access the non-dual, transcendent ones too. You get to have an experience of the non-dual as easy as shifting in your chair. It turns out that all the "seeking" that we do to access this limitless, peaceful, and clear state of mind is the very thing that has kept us from it. The more you "try" the less you are IN it. I spent much of the week sitting in this space of clear, limitless mind.

And that is why this week has felt like: So Many Days, So Few Fears.

And then came Friday. A few weeks ago, I asked my manager for some help. I knew I needed an editor or agent to help me with my book outline. And he cam through. So Friday I had a conversation with a literary agent. It was a great conversation. She is smart, savvy and gets what I am up to. She was the editor of my dad's first book Brain Droppings.

Bottom line - during the conversation I claimed something that I know is what I have been avoiding claiming for a long, long time. It is about who I am and what I am really doing through all the work I do - finding a clear and consistent relationship with the sacred.

So, when it came to defining a genre that I thought my memoir would fit into, I knew where it belonged - in the spiritual memoir section. And although that word can be construed in a myriad of ways, most of which I hate, it is where I belong.

AND THIS WAS TERRIFYING. But here it is - I am writing a memoir - a spiritual memoir. I have been avoiding stepping into this label for a long time. I know ultimately it is what ALL of my work is about whether I am writing, performing, teaching or coaching, i am interested in my and the world's relationship with the sacred, the transcendent, the soul, the True Self, the Authentic Voice. Name it what you want, but it is it.

What a week.
Question for the week: What has your soul been asking you to claim for the last 10 years?

Days 18, 19 and 20 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

I was still feeling a bit crappy over the weekend, but I laid low and took care of myself. I resisted the need to do things that would have pushed my body, and I let myself heal. An important lesson I learned years ago that ended poorly when I ignored my body/mind and ended up in bed with pneumonia for a full month.

Today, and all this week, I am participating in a free online retreat with my teacher Genpo Roshi. You can check it out here from 10:30 AM-12 noon and then again 2:30 PM to 4:30 PM PST each day. His work is profound and simple to access.

This morning we did some work around the "thinking mind." In particular, we explored ways in which our "selves" tend to shun and disown this aspect of ourselves having deemed it "monkey mind" and "chatter mind" (especially if you are a student of meditation), and then the ensuing consequences for the self. Although I feel that I am pretty in touch with my "thinking mind," I found that indeed there are ways in which my "self" has squashed this aspect in service of being loved in the world - at times I have felt that the world does not like a smart woman, or a child that has more clarity than the grown ups, and when that happened, I shut up and created a shadow aspect of this voice within me.

My lack of ability as an adult to put my opinion forward and out into the world through my writing, performing and general citizenship, I feel is very connected to suppressing my "thinking mind." Add to that the prejudice that we in the world of Feminine thought have put on the thinking mind by believing that it is only associated with the separation of the body/soul from life and thus the rape and pillaging of the planet and its peoples, and well, what's a "thinking mind" to do? Run and hide. And then show up in all sorts of pathological ways like - 4AM terrors about life, obsessive worry, over-thinking, confusion, the need to be right, and shunning others as thoughtless bastards and idiots.

Once we thoroughly examined this disowned aspect of "thinking mind," we then moved to the owned, embodied, honored and acknowledged "thinking mind," and wow! It was calm, in the moment, wise, clear, ready to be of use to the world and the self, and could actually hold space for others. It was like sitting with Sitting Bull - wise, ancient and all seeing.

It hit me that from this place, I could even listen to others that scare me with their thoughts. I immediately thought of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who either make me shudder and hide or take me to murderous rage. So I came up with an idea - to practice sitting in the fully owned, mature, healthy, honored "thinking mind" while listening to one of these people this week. I am doing it with a very curious heart AND mind - curious about what I will actually hear when I allow my wisest, most grounded thinking mind to encounter their views.

I am KelCar on the chat as we participate online with this retreat. Join in the conversation and work if you feel pulled to do so.

Later.

Day 13 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

I am thinking of changing the title of this challenge. I don't know if it is really possible to only couch what I feel like I am doing as "fears". I think that limits the thinking around all of this. Some days are absolutely about confronting a fear and then taking an action that debunks the fear. But what am I really doing here? What I am doing is listening to the inner messages/stories that shape my life, and challenging the ones that see to be full of shit. I am testing some kind of reality that I have assumed IS reality. I am literally questioning who I am every day.

One assumption that I make is - I am only okay when I am DOING something that the outside world will see as being productive. I know this is bullshit, and yet....

I can clearly feel the need to integrate some experiences that I have had these last few weeks. And when I integrate, much of my activity is inward focused not leaping forward or jumping from high places. Instead there is a turning my ear to my inner life - sitting quietly so that I can hear the stirrings of what has been awakened by my bold actions of late - and then weaving the new threads I have discovered into the tapestry of who I am, making the self richer, more colorful and larger.

I am honoring this urge today. I have walked this morning to let my body integrate. I will not be fluttering about on Facebook, Twitter, etc. today. I will go about my day in a more mindful fashion giving space to what needs to settle, find a new resting place, and later emerge as a new bud on this tree I call me.

Where are your urges sending you today?

What should I really be calling this challenge?

Sacred Cows, Alchemy and Day 9 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

This Polymind is tired today. Up too late. Up too early.

Last night I went to a taping of comedian Paul Provenza's new Showtime show The Green Room. For my part, I let myself be folded into the fabric of this comedy family that has been so beautiful to me this last year. I am so grateful. And even though there were moments I felt like stepping back into the shadows, I stayed present and in the light, and in the front row.

A little about what I saw last night.
Paul has created a big, safe space for comedians to hang out and do what they do best - daringly mouth off with great wit. At different times, depending on the guest configuration, it was thought provoking, heart warming and flat out offensive - which is a good thing - and always hilarious. My dad used to say that a comics job was to find the line and cross it. And Provenza does that and invites others to do the same while always in service of tearing down the sacred cows and making us question it all. It is a huge honor to be there and be part of this new family of mine - thanks Paul. Thanks dad.

But all that aside, the thing that was most amazing about last night was watching co-creation in action.

The first show had Jonathan Winters, Robert Klein and Rick Overton. There clearly was an atmosphere of reverence for Jonathan, but because Paul creates such an open space, Jonathan also got to show his most subversive side and speak his truth about his life and the business in a way that you just can never do on the Tonight Show or Letterman. We all knew we were in the presence of comic royalty. Klein and Overton felt it, and although there brilliance shone in the moments when they took the spotlight, you could tell they knew this was about giving back something to Jonathan. Paul set the atmosphere brilliantly.

The second show had Paul Mooney and Bobby Slayton and Jim Jefferies (all very provocative comics) and Rain Pryor. Again Paul set the stage perfectly, he threw the topics up in the air - being black, jewish, racism - all big bones for these four - and wow - the air crackled with wit, and on the edge of your seat anticipation. It was like being on a street corner and watching the jabs, insults and great put downs fly between a tight knit gang. At times it was a bit more "dick-waving" than I can handle, it's just not my personal style, but it was fucking fun to watch! They were all playing with BIG fire, and yet they knew it was play. This is a difficult and great feat. The alchemy was HOT. Paul is a wizard.

Playing with BIG fire - that is the lesson here in dealing with my fears today. I was raised to be the peacemaker in my family, to put out fires. So, I assume that I can't handle the heat, that I will get burned automatically, and so I tend to not go near the fire, and certainly not stoke it.

But in any alchemical transformation, you need fire. You need to turn it up! So I am seeing that with consciousness, humor and in service of tearing down my personal and the collective's sacred cows (the bullshit stories we keep in our heads to keep us from moving toward what we ALL need to do as individuals and a world), I need to be more willing togo into the fears (fires). It is a powerful path to transformation.

What will I conquer today/tonight in my own commitment to this FEAR thing? I do not know. I will return for two more tapings tonight. Maybe I will let myself jump into the fire, cross a line, play on the street corner. Who knows. Anything is possible. Burn, baby, burn.

Well, it has been three months since my father's death, and it seems that the strange world of mourning moves through my life more today than it did the first two months. Since having gone through deep mourning transformation 11 years ago when my mom died, I know better than to expect this process to be linear.

The realm of death, the underworld the ancients liked to call it, is anything but straight forward, regular or every day. That is why it is the underworld. It is the realm where all that needs to be put upside down will be, and all that needs to be dismembered will be, and all that needs to be put into its proper place will be too.

I have many sayings and mantras that are helping me right now - I call my life The Magical Mystery Tour because magical and beautiful things are happening to me and it feels like only the Mystery of Life could be bringing them to me. Another is Shock and Awe - the shock of death can lead one to see life in a whole other way that can only lead to awe. And the last is All of this is just part of the Web of Love and Light that holds me. Living in this liminal space is challenging.

A part of me wants to just be done with it, be back in the groove, and feel normal. But I know that I am being pulled through the eye of a needle right now, and well it can feel a bit strange in here. But because the Greek Goddess Persephone got to eventually leave the underworld to return to the world of the living transformed into her true nature, a Queen, I trust the process, and wait patiently as my True Nature awakens within me too.