Limelight Fears

Last night I shared the stage with my father at the Actor Gang's WTF? Festival. I screened by dad's favorite of his HBO specials, "Jammin' in NY," and then read from his memoir, "Last Words." Then I read a few of my own stories about my childhood.

For years, I have been reading these and other stories about my life around Los Angeles at different spoken word venues. I did these essays as a side dish to my life. Never taking them or myself very seriously. I didn't want them upsetting the apple cart - my relationship with my father. You see, he was a little uncomfortable with my chosen art form. It made him nervous that I stripped myself naked, metaphorically speaking, and spoke of the confusion, hopes and miracles that make up my life. He wanted to protect me from some kind of unknown harm - critics? The artist's life? The impossible life in the limelight?

Thanks to the community of friends and artists I now find myself immersed in, I am taking my art form and myself more seriously these days. They have been telling me to take the stage more often, and so I am finally listening to them and to my heart that has been telling me for years that I belong on a stage, telling my stories and speaking about how I see the world.

Identity is bullshit ultimately. Who I see myself as is, in the big picture, meaningless. But in other ways it is essential to make an X on the ground and say, "Here I stand. And from here I will do this." And so, I will take my mark. Stand my ground and go out and speak my truth. I mean after all, that is what the old man taught me everyday of HIS life.

More Fun with Busting Fears

This week was a lot mellower than last week. But got some shit done.

I finished all the accounting reconciliation finally. I am seeing my fear around money more and more clearly these days. I did not get healthy training when it came to money. My dad made it but hid from being an adult around spending, saving and investing, and mom just loved to spend it. And I was just given it too freely, for WAY too long. Not healthy. Not helpful. There was no such thing as fiscal responsibility in the Carlin household.

Therefore, I am schizophrenic around it. Part of me acts like my parents - spending without consequence. And part of me is really, really trying to do better - like looking at the bank balance everyday - it's like weighing myself everyday - accountability. At least I stopped putting shit on credit cards.

Ooooo. Oooooo. I got to do a really cool thing on Friday - I recorded a story of mine for an audio book! And GOT PAID FOR IT. My first money that I have made from MY writing (not with my husband as my partner - we used to write TV/Film stuff). It was funny how nervous I was about it all, and yet when I was there, it was so easy. I really loved it. My story is in an anthology book that should be coming out in January. The book is called Dirty Laundry (I think) and can be found here. My essay is about growing up in the shadow of my dad's fame. It's one of my favorites.

What else? Oh, yeah. Wrote a new bio:
Kelly Carlin is part Lucile Ball and part Marianne Williamson – in other words, she is not afraid to take a pie in the face in service of sharing her wisdom.

Whether Kelly is writing, speaking, teaching or coaching, her willingness to rip off her own “mask” always inspires a safe, sacred yet playful space for all to discover their own authentic humanity. This is not surprising considering she grew up at the knee of her father, George Carlin, who for decades masterfully wove great humor and deep truth as an entertainer. Having spent the last twenty years stumbling and bumbling along her own journey from the shadow of her father’s success to her own light of self-definition has given her a powerful insight into what we all ultimately crave - to be seen, heard and accepted for who we are under the mask we wear for the world.

Her professional life has taken her from behind the scenes in the world of TV/film to claiming the stage for her own creation of her one-woman show, Driven To Distraction. After two decades in the entertainment business, Kelly stepped away to get a new perspective, and in 2004 received her masters in Depth Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute. Kelly’s own brand of irreverent reverence can be seen and heard whether she is teaching individuals and groups how to claim their creative life through her Polymind Process, writing and performing her personal essays, interviewing legendary comedians for Laugh.com's On Comedy CD series or writing her upcoming memoir, called Now Appearing.

I'm outta here.

Have a great week.

Week 4 of Busting through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Holy Shit MOMENTUM!

Here's the BIG thing I realized this week: If you want something really bad (like I want MY book to be published) you are more likely to walk through fears that have stopped you in the past. It's amazing what a little desire will do to dissolve fear.

Great talk with literary agent about direction for my SPIRITUAL memoir. There it is, the big fear - I am admitting to the world that what I do is of a spiritual nature. To me that means examining what brings meaning to my life as a human, what it takes to embrace the whole shebang I am offered while being alive (the good, the bad, the beauty, and the ugly) and how I can walk through it awake and with compassion.

Built a new website: www.thekellycarlinsite.com where I have integrated all of my polyminds for the world to see, and fully owning that I am a hyphenate in an increasingly intergral world: author-speaker-teacher-daughter.

Said yes to teaching a 90 minute online webinar in December. Another HUGE fear busted through - teaching strangers, not just friends and acquaintances. Big hurdle in the past.

And of course, saying yes to all the promotion for my dad's book Last Words, that comes out November 10th. http://books.simonandschuster.com/Last-Words/George-Carlin/9781439172957 I'll be doing live, print, radio and TV promoting.

Which led me to saying yes to Tim Robbins when he asked me Wednesday night, "Will you read some of your stories at the screening?" Here's the link for that event: http://www.wtffestival.theactorsgang.com/calendar.html#nov4

Now go out and have some fucking fun!

Days 21-25 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Where have I been all week? I've been here mostly. Genpo Rosh's Big Mind work is an elegant weaving of Zen Buddhism and deep shadow work. He utilizes a technique called Voice Dialogue to access aspects of the self. It enables you connect with aspects that have been mostly rejected by the self and therefore have become shadow elements. The amazing thing is with this work is that you not only access the dualistic voices, but you easily access the non-dual, transcendent ones too. You get to have an experience of the non-dual as easy as shifting in your chair. It turns out that all the "seeking" that we do to access this limitless, peaceful, and clear state of mind is the very thing that has kept us from it. The more you "try" the less you are IN it. I spent much of the week sitting in this space of clear, limitless mind.

And that is why this week has felt like: So Many Days, So Few Fears.

And then came Friday. A few weeks ago, I asked my manager for some help. I knew I needed an editor or agent to help me with my book outline. And he cam through. So Friday I had a conversation with a literary agent. It was a great conversation. She is smart, savvy and gets what I am up to. She was the editor of my dad's first book Brain Droppings.

Bottom line - during the conversation I claimed something that I know is what I have been avoiding claiming for a long, long time. It is about who I am and what I am really doing through all the work I do - finding a clear and consistent relationship with the sacred.

So, when it came to defining a genre that I thought my memoir would fit into, I knew where it belonged - in the spiritual memoir section. And although that word can be construed in a myriad of ways, most of which I hate, it is where I belong.

AND THIS WAS TERRIFYING. But here it is - I am writing a memoir - a spiritual memoir. I have been avoiding stepping into this label for a long time. I know ultimately it is what ALL of my work is about whether I am writing, performing, teaching or coaching, i am interested in my and the world's relationship with the sacred, the transcendent, the soul, the True Self, the Authentic Voice. Name it what you want, but it is it.

What a week.
Question for the week: What has your soul been asking you to claim for the last 10 years?

Days 18, 19 and 20 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

I was still feeling a bit crappy over the weekend, but I laid low and took care of myself. I resisted the need to do things that would have pushed my body, and I let myself heal. An important lesson I learned years ago that ended poorly when I ignored my body/mind and ended up in bed with pneumonia for a full month.

Today, and all this week, I am participating in a free online retreat with my teacher Genpo Roshi. You can check it out here from 10:30 AM-12 noon and then again 2:30 PM to 4:30 PM PST each day. His work is profound and simple to access.

This morning we did some work around the "thinking mind." In particular, we explored ways in which our "selves" tend to shun and disown this aspect of ourselves having deemed it "monkey mind" and "chatter mind" (especially if you are a student of meditation), and then the ensuing consequences for the self. Although I feel that I am pretty in touch with my "thinking mind," I found that indeed there are ways in which my "self" has squashed this aspect in service of being loved in the world - at times I have felt that the world does not like a smart woman, or a child that has more clarity than the grown ups, and when that happened, I shut up and created a shadow aspect of this voice within me.

My lack of ability as an adult to put my opinion forward and out into the world through my writing, performing and general citizenship, I feel is very connected to suppressing my "thinking mind." Add to that the prejudice that we in the world of Feminine thought have put on the thinking mind by believing that it is only associated with the separation of the body/soul from life and thus the rape and pillaging of the planet and its peoples, and well, what's a "thinking mind" to do? Run and hide. And then show up in all sorts of pathological ways like - 4AM terrors about life, obsessive worry, over-thinking, confusion, the need to be right, and shunning others as thoughtless bastards and idiots.

Once we thoroughly examined this disowned aspect of "thinking mind," we then moved to the owned, embodied, honored and acknowledged "thinking mind," and wow! It was calm, in the moment, wise, clear, ready to be of use to the world and the self, and could actually hold space for others. It was like sitting with Sitting Bull - wise, ancient and all seeing.

It hit me that from this place, I could even listen to others that scare me with their thoughts. I immediately thought of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who either make me shudder and hide or take me to murderous rage. So I came up with an idea - to practice sitting in the fully owned, mature, healthy, honored "thinking mind" while listening to one of these people this week. I am doing it with a very curious heart AND mind - curious about what I will actually hear when I allow my wisest, most grounded thinking mind to encounter their views.

I am KelCar on the chat as we participate online with this retreat. Join in the conversation and work if you feel pulled to do so.

Later.

Busting Through Fears Days 15,16, and 17

I've been in bed sick these last few days. Not much to report, except this: facing my grief about my dad's death, and now being an orphan, is some of the hardest work there is. I have no idea if it has anything to do with being sick, but it sure hit me last night, again. And it hit me again how much I unconsciously put in the way of feeling this stuff - busyness, need to create, pleasure, emotional eating, fantasizing about a better life, doing this blog, etc.

I do not want to feel my broken heart.

And yet, it is here. And so am I.

Day 14/15 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days; Five Hindrances

I was talking to a client the other day, and she mentioned the word hindrances, and I had an insight. In Buddhism, they talk about the 5 Hindrances that impede one's path to enlightenment.

They are:
1.Sensual desire (kāmacchanda): Craving for pleasure to the senses.
2. Anger or ill-will (byāpāda, vyāpāda): Feelings of malice directed toward others.
3. Sloth-torpor or boredom (thīna-middha): Half-hearted action with little or no concentration.
4. Restlessness-worry (uddhacca-kukkucca): The inability to calm the mind.
5. Doubt (vicikicchā): Lack of conviction or trust.

I think that "hindrance" might be a better word than "fear" to describe this 100 Day challenge I have embarked on. What keeps me from moving toward what I really want is something I am curious about everyday. What keeps me stuck in my status quo/comfort zone? I would say that on any given day or moment I could easily point to one of these hindrances and find the answer.

Certainly, most of the time it is doubt that turns into fear. But there are days when I would rather have the short-term pleasure vs. the long term goal. Or find that my lack of ability to move forward is based on an old story line of resentment and thus I will not move forward so I can "show them." And boredom is a HUGE reason for filling up my mind and body with crap I don't want and thus keeping me off track. And the inability to calm the mind often feeds my fears.

But then again, ideally what this challenge is about is DOING something that counteracts the hindrances, not analyzing them. So really, it is BUSTING THROUGH 100 Hindrances in 100 Days.

Report:
Yesterday I went to a dinner party, and someone was talking about the world through the filter of conspiracy theories. I normally just shut down and ignore these theories because they either make me depressed or enraged. No middle ground. But last night, I stayed with the person and just got curious - about them and how it feels to them to believe in such a thing. It felt risky to take this tact, and yet deeply fulfilling in the end because the discussion didn't become about truth or who is right, but about what it means to live in a world where it might be true.

Today - stepping through my torpor and doubt and getting back to the page. For a writer, everyday is a scary leap of faith into the unknown. Today is no different.

Knight Commission Recommends Universal Broadband, Urges National Dialogue to Improve "Information Health" of America's Local Communities

A non-sexy topic (thus most Americans will not know about it) that is para-mount to the future health of democracy here or anywhere.



I especially am interested in the third "silo", "promoting public engagement among everyday citizens, both with information and with each other," but love that they are promoting the idea of the importance of "un-siloing" this discussion and weaving it into the bigger discussion.



Being a bit of a media-critiicism geek, I look forward to checking it out in more depth.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Day 13 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

I am thinking of changing the title of this challenge. I don't know if it is really possible to only couch what I feel like I am doing as "fears". I think that limits the thinking around all of this. Some days are absolutely about confronting a fear and then taking an action that debunks the fear. But what am I really doing here? What I am doing is listening to the inner messages/stories that shape my life, and challenging the ones that see to be full of shit. I am testing some kind of reality that I have assumed IS reality. I am literally questioning who I am every day.

One assumption that I make is - I am only okay when I am DOING something that the outside world will see as being productive. I know this is bullshit, and yet....

I can clearly feel the need to integrate some experiences that I have had these last few weeks. And when I integrate, much of my activity is inward focused not leaping forward or jumping from high places. Instead there is a turning my ear to my inner life - sitting quietly so that I can hear the stirrings of what has been awakened by my bold actions of late - and then weaving the new threads I have discovered into the tapestry of who I am, making the self richer, more colorful and larger.

I am honoring this urge today. I have walked this morning to let my body integrate. I will not be fluttering about on Facebook, Twitter, etc. today. I will go about my day in a more mindful fashion giving space to what needs to settle, find a new resting place, and later emerge as a new bud on this tree I call me.

Where are your urges sending you today?

What should I really be calling this challenge?

Days 11/12 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

No doubt, this challenge is challenging. After such an action packed week, I was exhausted this weekend. And her is what I learned: When you are tired, the last thing on your mind is stepping outside your comfort zone, especially since I feel like I LIVED outside my comfort zone all week.

I am looking forward to this week coming up. I know what one of my challenges will be to myself - to go on a mini-retreat. More to come.

What are some fears that you want to walk through this week? I'll be thinking too.

Day 10 of 100 Fears in 100 Days; What Family Looks Like Now

Last night I once again hung out at Paul Provenza's tapings of his new show The Green Room for Showtime. Once again, fucking amazing.

First show - Penn Jillette, Martin Mull and Tommy Smothers. Penn was clearly geeked out by the fact that one of his heroes, Martin Mull was on the panel with him, and that he got to play a duet with him. I love Penn - big man, big opinions and one big fucking heart. There was also a fun and philosophic discussion about atheism, God and the notion of belief (love this stuff - always makes me think about my papa), but what I loved was when they talked about the mechanics of comedy - timing, silences, joke telling. Oh, and speaking of joke telling, Penn told Provenza's favorite joke about a pair of female Siamese twins - one of which played the trombone and the other who loves to masturbate, while they both love Julio Iglesias - need I say more?

Second show - Roseanne Barr, Bob Saget, Sandra Bernhard and Patrice Oneal. Very different vibe, more of an intimate conversation among friends about the business which eventually turned into a therapy session for Patrice about his disappointments with Roseanne, Sagat and Sandra playing the roles of therapist! Wow. And then, mixed into that were these bold declarations from all about the state of the world, our roles in it, etc. - you'll just have to watch it.

If fire was the first nights alchemical element, I would have to say the element last night felt more watery - like a shape-shifting and life giving force.

And me and this fear thing? Well. It seems these last few nights have created a state of fearlessness in me. There is no one I am being cautious around. There is nothing I am afraid to say. There is no discomfort. I am home.

While watching Martin and Tommy on the show. I suddenly got very emotional. I realized that in some way, these men who are the around the age of my father are my new fathers. And then hearing Roseanne and Sandra talk about their views about hope, and the planet, I saw that they are my sisters - I could have easily folded into their conversation. And Paul - well, he is certainly a brother (with Rick, Gary, David all funny, smart, big-hearted men).

Now that my mom and dad are both gone, people have been saying to me that I am now an orphan. Oh, how wrong they are, how wrong they are.

Sacred Cows, Alchemy and Day 9 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

This Polymind is tired today. Up too late. Up too early.

Last night I went to a taping of comedian Paul Provenza's new Showtime show The Green Room. For my part, I let myself be folded into the fabric of this comedy family that has been so beautiful to me this last year. I am so grateful. And even though there were moments I felt like stepping back into the shadows, I stayed present and in the light, and in the front row.

A little about what I saw last night.
Paul has created a big, safe space for comedians to hang out and do what they do best - daringly mouth off with great wit. At different times, depending on the guest configuration, it was thought provoking, heart warming and flat out offensive - which is a good thing - and always hilarious. My dad used to say that a comics job was to find the line and cross it. And Provenza does that and invites others to do the same while always in service of tearing down the sacred cows and making us question it all. It is a huge honor to be there and be part of this new family of mine - thanks Paul. Thanks dad.

But all that aside, the thing that was most amazing about last night was watching co-creation in action.

The first show had Jonathan Winters, Robert Klein and Rick Overton. There clearly was an atmosphere of reverence for Jonathan, but because Paul creates such an open space, Jonathan also got to show his most subversive side and speak his truth about his life and the business in a way that you just can never do on the Tonight Show or Letterman. We all knew we were in the presence of comic royalty. Klein and Overton felt it, and although there brilliance shone in the moments when they took the spotlight, you could tell they knew this was about giving back something to Jonathan. Paul set the atmosphere brilliantly.

The second show had Paul Mooney and Bobby Slayton and Jim Jefferies (all very provocative comics) and Rain Pryor. Again Paul set the stage perfectly, he threw the topics up in the air - being black, jewish, racism - all big bones for these four - and wow - the air crackled with wit, and on the edge of your seat anticipation. It was like being on a street corner and watching the jabs, insults and great put downs fly between a tight knit gang. At times it was a bit more "dick-waving" than I can handle, it's just not my personal style, but it was fucking fun to watch! They were all playing with BIG fire, and yet they knew it was play. This is a difficult and great feat. The alchemy was HOT. Paul is a wizard.

Playing with BIG fire - that is the lesson here in dealing with my fears today. I was raised to be the peacemaker in my family, to put out fires. So, I assume that I can't handle the heat, that I will get burned automatically, and so I tend to not go near the fire, and certainly not stoke it.

But in any alchemical transformation, you need fire. You need to turn it up! So I am seeing that with consciousness, humor and in service of tearing down my personal and the collective's sacred cows (the bullshit stories we keep in our heads to keep us from moving toward what we ALL need to do as individuals and a world), I need to be more willing togo into the fears (fires). It is a powerful path to transformation.

What will I conquer today/tonight in my own commitment to this FEAR thing? I do not know. I will return for two more tapings tonight. Maybe I will let myself jump into the fire, cross a line, play on the street corner. Who knows. Anything is possible. Burn, baby, burn.

Day 8 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

It's one of those days where there feels like no room to add "walking through a fear" to my To Do List. I have writing to do. Some other shit. And then Bob and I are off to a taping of a friend's new show, Paul Provenza's Green Room, late afternoon.

So I ask myself, what is this 100 Fears in 100 Days really about? Is it always about an action? Could it also be about claiming? Shifting? Being with myself in a new way? I will meditate on this today.

Tonight there will be lots of fame and talent and funny in the room and a chance to mix in it. In my past, this was a recipe for feeling invisible. But so much has changed this year around all of this. I have had many opportunities to get comfortable with my own power and place in the world and see behind the curtain I constructed around all of this. I know that the only thing that matters to me is genuine connection to others. The rest is bullshit.

I no longer look at these events as places where I feel I have to prove something to the world about my worth. I only know that I love people - their humanity, their perspectives and their hearts and souls. I also love artists who have a wide audience - I am fascinated how their unique brand resonates for many. And I am especially excited when artists get together to talk amongst themselves about their work, life, the world. So tonight will be fun.

I know tonight will offer me a few opportunities to step over some fears.

A couple of updates:
Will get the MRI later this month.
And I got an email from the literary agent - she has read my essays and liked them a lot, and will read the memoir pages this week!!!
I think I just buried the headline. :)

Interviewing Comedians

This last year, I have had the privilege to interview some legends of comedy for Laugh.com's Con Comedy CD series. Here is the link to an excerpt of my interview with the FABULOUS Phyllis Diller.

It was one of the greatest afternoons of my life.

Day 7 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

Well, I woke up knowing what today's action would be - make my MRI appointment for my boobs. I am in a high-risk program at UCLA (my mom and grandma both had breast cancer) and I was supposed to make this appointment 2 months ago. My mammogram was fine, but ever other year I get an MRI to keep on top of things. And when it comes to this stuff, there is always fear underneath it. The big "What if..." So I will call today and get this baby off my list!!

Yesterday was good. I caught myself a few times almost writing or speaking about someone in a stereotyping way. And I started a cool discussion over at Soul Pancake Rainn Wilson's (of The Office) site about the big questions in life. I hope you check it out - the site and my question.

Since beginning this practice, I have had more energy and feel more alive. I think that subtle (and of course not so subtle) fear saps us of our life force in the long run. It's like it traps it in a hard, brittle case making it inaccessible to the whole system. So when we step over the fear or move through it, we crack that baby open, and get to capture that life force back.

So what are you cracking open today?

Day 6 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

Really? Day 6 already? Jeez.

By blogging about a political subject the other day, I have found a way into a conversation that I have been longing to have and host for a long time - How to reduce the vitriol that is spewing out of American's mouths and at each other, and how to bring back real dialogue about what we ALL want for this country.

I do not have an answer to this big question, but I am excited about doing my part in hosting the conversation here and on Facebook.

So, today, I am stepping out of that comfort zone and claiming a new practice for myself - I am taking responsibility for my own speech. I am now going to make a point in my own communication (speech, blogging, essaying) to stop labeling people.

I know that labeling dehumanizes us all. And dehumanization is what leads to hate, violence and actions we all regret.

I know it will be challengin because at times I just want to say things like, "those damn Neo-con, Christian, Right-Wing Nut Bags," but ultimately I see that when I do that, I am being lazy in my thinking and my speaking (although it FEELS good, but so does an 8 Ball of cocaine and I know where that leads), and I know that when people label ME that way, smoke comes out my ass and ears. I want to discover a new way to discuss all of this without doing that to others.

We are all so much more than stereotypes, labels and single perspectives. And I know that I can vehemently disagree with a person's opinion, and even feel fear about what they are saying, and not have to be sucked into name calling, fear-mongering, and bitch slapping - at least that is the goal.

So, where are you going outside of your comfort zone? What are you willing to do today that will SHAKE your world up? Walk with me.

Day 5 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

Good Sunday Morning!

So yesterday I posted some thoughts about being American, feeling powerless over the fate of this country, and how self-questioning is a path to deeper understanding. I am generally terrified of going into this subject because politics creates such passion in people, and I generally like to be a peace maker. So I offer my remarks ultimately as a peace maker and a human trying to understand it all. But I always fear that I will have to defend myself against an attack and then I will end up getting all hopped up and righteous and red in the face and creating more chaos than peace. So that was a huge step for me.

Today I have already played on with my edges. I woke up early to talk about an upcoming project with someone I immensely respect and who co-wrote my dad's upcoming memoir. There was one thing on the list of ideas I had that I was a bit hesitant to mention. But I did, and it ended up being a really rich idea that will bring much to the project.

Hope your edges are expanding!

Who Do They Think this "Government" is Anyway?

We so often hear these days how much people hate the government. I get it. There is a lot wrong with our country and most of it seems to involve the government - policies, bureaucracies, politicians that no longer serve the whole but only serve the powerful with their short term interests. Right, Left, poor, not so poor, black, white, young, old - we all feel fucked one way or another.

But I am really, really sick and tired of all the mud slinging and gridlock and especially feeling like a victim about all of this. I think a lot about how there are special interests just to big or just too powerful to tackle, and that as an average citizen I am powerless. It feels hopeless. Some people who feel this way even suppose that these special interests are a small number of white, very rich men who have devised all this so that they can rule the world. I do not. That just seems a little too James Bondish for me. (Recently it occurred to me that conspiracy theories are just convenient rationales that perpetuate one's political victim story - "I don't have to do anything or take responsibility because the system is set up by a secret cabal that squash every solution that could make the world a better place for all").

I have bought into this rationale myself for years. I was raised on this rationale. I know that in part, it is true (okay, probably not the part about a group of 10 guys meeting in a secret location to decide how to rule the world this week, but the part about the system being tipped in favor of those who get to make the big decisions).

So, what to do.

Well, I know that when their is a dysfunctional situation, and I am a part of it, then I must look at my part in it.

Therefore, I must ask myself - who do I think this "government" is? In my understanding the government consists of Americans. Americans working in an American institution created by Americans. Which then leads me to conclude we can't blame this shit on no one else. (Even if there are only ten men in a room ruling the world - I am guessing that at least seven of them are still Americans.)

We AMERICANS raised, educated, and shaped the people who make up this thing we call "the government." We Americans have some shit to figure out. And me as an American contributed to this in some way.

So, if we don't like this American government, then just maybe it is time to look at ourselves. Maybe we should be looking into our own hearts and minds as individuals and be asking - how did I contribute to this reality? what have I done to allow things we don't like to carry on, what am I ignoring in my own actions that perpetuates a system that does not serve us?

These are not easy questions. It is never easy to take a straight look at how we are contributing to a dysfunctional situation. But the reality I am glimpsing these days is that even if I don't feel powerful, I am a citizen, I am a being on this earth, I am here, and in some way my perspective, my consciousness, and my actions are either part of the problem or part of the solution.

Trust me, I would much rather spend time reading some esoteric philosophy, watching Glee on my Tivo, and eating my Double Chocolate Milanos than having to ask myself what can I do to be a part of the solution. But, it feels like it is getting precarious out there.

And now that I'm doing this 100 Fears in 100 Days, I cannot ignore the fact that looking at my part in all of this scares the shit out of me.

And besides, I like this place we call America.

Day 4 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

I feel I am facing a conundrum this morning with this challenge. You see, first of all it is Saturday. A weekend day. What kind of fear to face on a Saturday?

Secondly, I have done some things the last three days that make me feel full and satisfied. Isn't there supposed to be a day where you rest a bit on your laurels?

And yet, there is this commitment - to face a fear every day for 100 days. Hmmm. What to do...

My weekends don't feel like a bunch of fear facing opportunities like the work week does. But I am probably full of shit on this one. I like to think that most of my fears are about putting myself out there in the world - and there are many around this issue, trust me. But, I am guessing that there will be moments today when I can witness myself hesitate, censor or stop in the face of some voice in my head saying, "Stop! Danger! Don't go there!" And I will see that fear is a subtle little bitch that shows up ways that I had no idea about.

And when it does show up, I will say, "Step aside honey, there's a new bitch in town."

More later.

Day 3 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

Good morning. So I caught up all my accounting yesterday. It was GREAT! GOD that one has been gnawing at me for months. Today I will contact my book keeper to sort out a minor accounting error so I can then reconcile it in the software.

I need to write today - and on these days of writing, I tend to not do much else. So I am trying to think what I want to do to scare the shit out of myself today....

I know. I will send a copy of a screenplay that NO ONE has ever read to a friend that said that she would read it for me. The thought of sharing this with another makes my stomach go huooaa partly because it is a piece of work that shot out straight from my soul. It was like bliss writing it, and felt so resonant when I did it. I wrote it to be part of my thesis for my Masters in 2004. It is a musical that uses modern popular music to weave the stories of the Demeter/Persephone myth together with my own journey of mourning the loss of my mother. It was inspired in part by Baz Luhrman and Julie Taymor.

YIKES. Okay here goes.

BTW - What are you conquering today?

Day 2 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

I see a few people have joined me here to walk this together. Welcome to Margaret, Ni, Laurie and Bernadette!

Today I am going to face the fear of my finances. I am going to reconcile my business accounting after ignoring if for 6 months. I am SO glad to get this one off my list.

And just a little update about yesterday. I called my manager and said I need an editor to help me finish my outline for my book - he knew of the perfect person - my dad's first editor on his book who is now an agent. He is calling her today. AND he brought up wanting to start contacting speaker's bureaus for me.

I really get that this work of facing your fears, taking actions that scare us, is a HUGE act of co-creation. When we move, the world reacts in some new way. We are stirring up energy.

Feel free to post what you are doing today to face your fears.

Peace Out.
Kelly

100 Fears in 100 Days

So, a friend on Facebook - a life leadership coach named Laura Neff - shared that she is committing to doing one thing that scares her for 100 days.

I figured it out that if I start today then on December 31st will be my 100th day. I cannot resist that kind of synchronicity.

Here is the quote that really got me thinking:
What are you putting off out of fear? Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do. that phone call, that conversation, whatever the action might be – it is fear of unknown outcomes that prevents us from doing what we need to do. Define the worst case, accept it, and do it. I’ll repeat something you might consider tattooing on your forehead: What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. As I have heard said, a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversation he or she is willing to have. Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear. I got into this habit by attempting to contact celebrities and famous businesspeople for advice.
~ Ferris, Timothy. The 4-Hour WorkWeek. New York: Crown, 2007.

BTW - what scares me might be a walk in the park for you - so cut me some slack and go scare the shit out of yourself today. You'll feel better for it!

So what scares me today? Well, I really want to move my writing, speaking , teaching career forward, so just about anything to do around that makes me nervous. Today I am working on creating a new website to showcase ALL of my talents past, present and future. I am assembling a list of all my content (writing, video, audio) and the steps I need to take to get them web ready.

Join me if you like on this 100 Day Adventure. Parties are much more fun when there are people to pass the pipe around to (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Zen and the Art of Web Spinning

These last few months I have receded from the world to my backyard deck spending hours each day meditating, journaling and then working the outline of my memoir. I have been here so much, I am now embedded and a part of my garden's ecosystem. My niche in this system is to be the amazed witness to the buzz and hubbub of it all - a young pair of Phoebes nesting and raising their fledglings, the daily feedings of hummingbirds, bumble bees and various shaped and colored butterflies, and the juvenile crows hanging out on my trees like bored teenagers at the mall.

And then this week I noticed, with excitement, the garden spiders are back - the spinners of the most magnificent webs.

Every day I watch as her (her because of Charlotte, because she is me? I do not know) perfect web gets battered by the wind and destroyed by insects too strong to be held by its delicate threads. And every evening I watch as she begins her delicate and beautiful spinning again, as if she did not face this herculean task only 24 hours before. She does not mourn. She only knows that she must spin if she is to hope of catching a meal to sustain her. But sustain her for what, a perfection, or stasis? No, there is none of that here or anywhere. There is only spinning so that she may spin again and again until all her days of spinning are gone.

Every day I too face the ways life breaks down my body, my mind, my carefully crafted stasis. But unlike her, I pout, whine (really, I have to wash my hair again?) and often mourn how life does this endless dance of creation and destruction. And at times I feel it dismantle my own resolve to push forward. I ask, "what is the point?", and ponder what could be so wrong with just lying on my bed watching reruns of Law and Order until my death.

And yet, like it or not, every day, like the spider, I am also caught up in an urge to move forward, make order and fix what has been undone by time. I am inexplicably given invisible marching orders to spin more tales and unfold more of my delicate webbing into the world, so that I may catch a morsel of something that will sustain me for another interval, another turning of the earth across the day and into the night.

There is no preserving this web of hers. There is no way to create it to withstand the ravages of time and preserve the precious and precarious nature that brings us its beauty. I, with my conscious mind, fight with myself daily over the need to have things last forever, and the need to face the reality that it all passes away, some slowly, some in the blink of an eye, but in the end it all goes.

I suppose that is how the beauty of life emerges - in the chambers of my melancholy heart where a constant sadness for what was is felt, and in the unknown territories of my hopeful soul where a constant joy of what might be is born again and again.

And then there are those moments in between the creation and the destruction of it all, when it is all just as it is to be. Here I see that no matter what, there is something that lives beyond death and birth: The very urge to push, participate, spin, eat, kill, create and survive. It becomes crystal clear in those in between moments that my personal participation in this urge will die one day, but not the urge itself. That was here long before me and will be here still long after I have gone.

And then I see all the beauty, the joy and the melancholy. I am the spider. I am the web. I am the wind destroying the web. I am that which has been caught in the web. And I am the urge to spin and spin and spin until I am all spun out.