Day One of the Audio Book

Not knowing what to expect today (except for little girl giddiness because I am recording at The Village in West LA where all of my musical heroes have recorded for the last 40 years), I did pretty darn good for living through the first 18 years of my life in one day.  

I read over 100 pages of my book in about 5 hours. My mom almost died from alcoholism and then got sober. My dad went from clean cut guy to counter-culture god to his first heart attack. I was born, got to be a kid, then had to be an adult way too early, then became a teen and did my best to almost kill myself. Phew.

The producers said I did a good job, and I felt good reading it all. I felt great when I left the studio, but the minute I got home, I laid on my bed and slept for an hour like a dead person. If my dog, Stella, had not needed dinner and wasn't poking at me with her cold nose, I think I would have spent for three. My god, that's a lot of life to live in one day. Holy shit.

Tomorrow my first marriage, panic attacks, cocaine, college and my mom dying.

I think I need another nap just thinking about it.

Audio Book

So, this week I get to record my audio book. I'll be at the Village Studios which is a really cool place. Everyone who is anyone in music has recorded there.  

I have no idea what to expect, except for reading my book out loud six hours a day, and probably hating what I've written, and regretting the whole endeavor. I've been worried about this the last few weeks - regret. Have I done the right thing by telling about my life? Is it too much? Will anyone give a shit? Am I just another asshole with too much to say about me? 

Ugh.

But then I think about how when I have been bold enough to tell some of my stories from my life, and they meet up with another's story in such a way that they get a fresh perspective or permission to be human, I know it's worth it. It makes it okay. It's why I wrote my book - to invite others to not feel so alone. 

But also, I have discovered, I wrote it so that I no longer feel so alone. I see that most of my life - let's say the first 30 years - was spent feeling very alone in my confusion and anxiety. 

Sharing my life now, I am inviting people into my private space. 

As I was laying in bed waking up this morning, I was fantasizing about being at the Village Studios. We are taking a break, and I go into the kitchen to grab some hot water for my tea. I walk in, and there is David Bowie. One of my life's heroes. He says hi. I say hi. He grabs a juice from the fridge, I some non-fat milk for my tea. My heart is exploding with love, my head is swirling with words, but I stay quiet. I act like I belong there, and that I'm not a fangirl from 1978; that he didn't change my life with Young American; that he kept my head above water with his acute take on teenage angst and modern life.

He smiles at me with his piercing eyes, nods and turns to get back to his work. I take a deep breath, feel my eyes fill with tears, and know that I'm once again in the right place because I am here living it.
I know that because I chose to write, something I have longed to do my whole life, I am not alone. I know that by stepping out of the shadows, I have chosen to be a part of the whole.

Circle of Seven

I just spent the last half hour reading my posts here from 2007.
2007!
The year before my dad died and everything changed for me.

In some ways, it feels like that time before birth itself - that mysterious time where we are unformed and just living in potential.   I was a longing to be.

And yet, as I read those words, I see some version of myself that has disappeared.  Time has changed me.  That "me" has been made wary by public attention, made anxious by deep realities and once again, shadowed by my father.


In those long ago postings, I see how I was clearly seeking my "self" and getting to do it in complete anonymity.  No one knew who I was except for a few select friends who were walking along my path of self-discovery cheering me on to step out into the public and share my voice.  I was free to be me. The "public" me had yet to be born - it was just a mirage on a distant horizon I moved toward, and at the same time felt I never made any progress toward.  Always just out of my grasp.

But my dad's death and the explosion of social media changed all that. Without them, I would still be loitering in the wings of life, watching other players on the stage.  I suppose I would have stepped out and into some version of the spotlight eventually, but most likely in the chorus backing up the star, ensuring they were always in the best light.  I wouldn't have had the courage to claim that place for myself.  And if I had, it would have been on a different than the star of my life, my father.

Back then, I felt invisible and constrained by things - myself mostly.  But now that I look back at those posts, I miss that invisibility.  I see now that it was the thing that freed me the most in my life.
I felt free to explore things that might look weird or kooky or off the beaten track to most people.  I felt free to express ideas that felt resonant for me, but might seem non-rational to most others - my father's fans, not my father, specifically.  They never entered my mind when I wrote, spoke or showed up in the world.

These last six years, they've had a front row seat in my head.

And a front row seat on the internet.  Most of them have been lovely, but not all.

Before social media, rarely would I come across another human who would say mean and destructive things so often.  They are the worst versions of the worst voices inside my head.  Now these voices speak freely and willingly behind the distance and anonymity of the internet.

I've always been over-sensitive to conditional love.  I spent most of my life twisting into any shape to ensure someone's love.  But at different points in my life, my need to be free to live and express myself out-weighed my fear of rejection or disappointing another, and I would move beyond the boundaries I had set for myself.

When my dad died, I let a lot of these voices, self-generated and internet generated, move into my daily sphere, and censor me.  I second-guessed every move I made.  I shaped myself into who I think "they" wanted me to be.  And even when I went against what I thought they might disapprove of, I did it with a sense of anxious breath-holding.  Never jumping with abandon and bliss, but careful watching and waiting.


When I read between the lines of those older blog posts, I also see the version of me that was still filled with rainbow dreams, the thrill of potential to shape my future.  I had not yet faced another huge load of personal loss/grief, financial instability and being an orphan.  

I trusted my vision for myself, the world and the human soul even while I lived in fear of my dad's death and what that would bring.  Even while tolerating my own choice to ignore my own writing and performing ambitions in respect for his need to be center stage.  I took those constraints and pointed my vision toward other things - a chance to evolve the world's consciousness through questioning the status quo and inspiring others to do the same through coaching and leadership training.

There was a powerful innocence at age 44.


As far as ambition.  I clearly had that in 2007.  I was hungry.  I wrote about it a few times.  It is still here.  And it is even more real now than ever.  But I am learning, that my ambition is part of the very best my father gave to me.  He never settled for where he was.  He was always setting the bar higher for himself.  He liked to feel that he was leading the charge of comedy.  The minute he felt someone was catching up, he dug deeper and found un-mined material to unearth, polish and display for all to see.

And maybe I don't mean ambition at all.  Maybe I am associating it with a semi-conscious but mostly organic thing that happened due to my dad's death.  So much of my initial rise into the spotlight these last six years has been associated with my dad.  I've been his face in public to honor him, keep his legacy alive and to help peddle the few posthumous items we offered to his fans.  I've been the go-to expert about his work and career.  And because my own work is autobiographical in nature, I have been the only voice for his life away from the stage.  I have been talking a lot about him on stage and on the page.  I didn't mean to.  It has just happened that way.  And that maybe is really the point of this post.

There's been a lot of him in my life.  Some of it has been purposeful - I believe in his legacy and work and his fans - and some of it just happened the way it did.  My current solo show and forthcoming book would have been a thing of the past, if while my dad was alive, he hadn't felt so weird about it, and I hadn't honored his discomfort with shelving that aspect of my word.  And although it was painful at times to silence myself in the service of my love for my dad,  I have no regrets.  We loved each other in our unique way and protected each other dutifully.  That's how we rolled.

But since finishing the writing of my memoir, I feel done.  The story that has lived in me for 15 years that I have wanted to share so that I could move on, is finally done.  

And although next year, 2015, seven years since my dad's death, will be filled with me doing my solo show, and then in the fall touring for my memoir, I am done with my dad playing such a prominent role in my life.

Seven years since I was thrown into a new life.  Seven years of learning the lay of the land, how to navigate the pitfalls or public attention, deep realities and ambition.  Seven years.  Just enough time to replace all the cells in my body, find my way back to my soulful self, and sink into who I want to be for the seven years I find in front of me.

I want to get back to evolving consciousness, questioning the status quo and expressing myself freely and without second guessing.   But now I am blessed because I no longer have to wonder if I am alone.  I have found my people.  Some are comedians, most are seekers of inner truth, and all find beauty in this world.  


So lets laugh, dance and bask these next seven years.  I could really use it.
 

Human Perfection

From my essay, "Human Perfection" from episode
#73 of my podcast Waking from the American Dream.

Perfectionism kills.
It kills dreams. It kills adventures. It kills the joyful participation in life.

Hell, it kills all participation in life.

Life is a call and response game. Living life is participating in the call and response.
Body hungers, you eat. Child cries, you soothe.
A city gets hit by a hurricane, you help.
You have a vision of a scene between a father and son, and you write a play.

But with perfectionism, we set out to interrupt the natural call and response cycle. 
We refuse the call, we fear the call, we ignore the call.
Our perfectionism says I can’t respond because... I’ll get my hands dirty, it’ll take too much time, people will think I’m crazy, or ugly or stupid
or not good enough...not good enough.

My Favorite Books List

Today on Twitter, I connected with a new fan, @UltraLibIan, who listens to my podcast Waking from the American Dream and wanted to know about the books I read. So, here's a list of books that represent my most eclectic mind...my polymind.

Depth psychology:
Memories, Dreams, Reflctions Carl Jung
Boundaries of the Soul: the Practice of Jung’s Psychology June Singer
Ego and Archetyp e Edward F. Edinger
The Soul’s Code James Hillman
Revisioning Psychology James Hillman
We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse James Hllman and Michael Ventura
A Jospeh Campbell Companion Diane K. Osbon
Joseph Campbell/The Power of Myth with Bill Moyers
Truly any book by Joseph Campbell, James Hollis or Robert A. Johnson


Buddhism:
The Book Alan Watts
This is It Alan Watts
The Way of Zen Alan Watts
Wherever you go, There You are Jon Kabat-Zinn
The Miracle of Mindfulness Thich Nhat Hahn
Peace is Every Step Thich Nhat Hahn
Awakening the Buddha Within Lama Surya Das
A Path with Heart Jack Kornfield
Thoughts without a Thinker Mark Epstein
Any book by Pema Chodron

Integral Philosophy:
A Brief History of Everything Ken Wilber
The Integral Vision Ken Wilber
Sex, Ecology, Spirituality Ken Wilber
Integral Psychology Ken Wilber
Spiral Dynamics Don Beck
The Radiance of Being Allan Combs

New Age Thinking:
Quantum Psychology Robert Anton Wilson
The Tao of Physics Fritof Capra
Dancing Wu Li Masters Gary Zukav
The Seat of the Soul Gary Zukav
Das Energi Paul Williams
Illusions Richard Bach

Life Coaching Kind of Stuff:
The Art of Possibility Zander and Zander
Finding Flow Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Fearless Living Rhonda Britten
Loving What Is Byron Katie
The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz

Leadership:
Leadership and the New Science Margaret Wheatley
Synchronicity: The Inner Path of Leadership Joseph Jaworski
Leadership and Self-deception The Arbinger Institute
Servant Leadership Robert Greenleaf
Presence Jaworski, Senge, Wheatley and Scharmer
The Fifth Discipline Peter M. Senge
Leadership from the Inside Out Kevin Cashman

Writing/Creativity:
Bird by Bird Anne Lammott
Writing Down the Bones Natalie Goldberg
The Arist Way Julia Cameron
The Right to Write Julia Cameron
Unreliable Truth Maureen Murdock
The War of Art Steven Pressfield
Writing from the Inside Out Dennis Palumbo
Writing for Your Life Deena Metzger
Fearless Creating Eric Maisel
The Heart Aroused David Whyte
Crossing the Unknown Sea David Whyte
If You Want to Write Brenda Ueland
The Writing Life Annie Dillard

History/ Politics/ Social analysis:
The People’s History of the United States Howard Zinn
The Passion of the Western Mind Richard Tarnas
The American Soul Jacob Needleman
The Fourth Turning Strauss and Howe
Conservatives without Conscience John W. Dean
The Lucifer Principle Howard Bloom
The Genius of the Beast Howard Bloom
The Empathic Civilization Jeremy Rifkin

Women’s Issues:
Heroine’s Journey Maureen Murdock
The Hero’s Daughter Maureen Murdock
Women Who Run with the Wolves Clarissa Pinkla Estes
The Goddess Within Woolger and Woolger
Circle of Stones Judith Duerk
Writng a Woman’s Life Carolyn G. Heilbrun
Reinventing Womanhood Carolyn G. Heilbrun
A Voice of One’s Own Perlman/Henderson
A Room of Her Own Virginia Woolf

Year Three

Today is the third anniversary of my dad's death. In some ways, it feels like I have just begun the grieving process. I've been so busy learning how to be without him - how to represent him in the world now that he is gone, how to represent myself in the world now that he is gone - that I think I forgot to just feel the pain of it all.

I mean, I did feel pain, months and months of it. For awhile it felt like I had no skin. I was a raw, open, vulnerable vessel, and it was impossible. And so for awhile, I self-medicated my way to buffer the suffering. And I'm glad I did. It was too much. But, as we all know, when you delay the pain, that is all you are doing, delaying it. And so now I get to feel it, and that is okay, because I feel like now I CAN feel it, and hold it, and rock it like a baby and tell it, "It'll be okay. You will be okay."

I'm no longer afraid of the pain because I now see that it is my pain, and the more I feel it, the more I feel like myself. I am Kelly. I am a daughter. I am a woman. I am a thinker. I am a feeler. I am a writer. I am here to think and feel and write and share. This is who I am. I can't help it anymore than I could keep my father or mother from death. It is what it is.

This afternoon, I'll be going down to Venice to eat a cheeseburger in honor of my dad and his favorite hole in the wall bar. The memories I have with him and of him, I will stitch together into a little pouch and crawl into to find some warmth this week. And then I will let them echo through me as I step back into the river of life that rushes by and wants to take me along with it. But for a moment, it will be 1972, I will be seven, and my dad and I will be happily eating a cheeseburger enjoying our endless summer together.

Limelight Fears

Last night I shared the stage with my father at the Actor Gang's WTF? Festival. I screened by dad's favorite of his HBO specials, "Jammin' in NY," and then read from his memoir, "Last Words." Then I read a few of my own stories about my childhood.

For years, I have been reading these and other stories about my life around Los Angeles at different spoken word venues. I did these essays as a side dish to my life. Never taking them or myself very seriously. I didn't want them upsetting the apple cart - my relationship with my father. You see, he was a little uncomfortable with my chosen art form. It made him nervous that I stripped myself naked, metaphorically speaking, and spoke of the confusion, hopes and miracles that make up my life. He wanted to protect me from some kind of unknown harm - critics? The artist's life? The impossible life in the limelight?

Thanks to the community of friends and artists I now find myself immersed in, I am taking my art form and myself more seriously these days. They have been telling me to take the stage more often, and so I am finally listening to them and to my heart that has been telling me for years that I belong on a stage, telling my stories and speaking about how I see the world.

Identity is bullshit ultimately. Who I see myself as is, in the big picture, meaningless. But in other ways it is essential to make an X on the ground and say, "Here I stand. And from here I will do this." And so, I will take my mark. Stand my ground and go out and speak my truth. I mean after all, that is what the old man taught me everyday of HIS life.

More Fun with Busting Fears

This week was a lot mellower than last week. But got some shit done.

I finished all the accounting reconciliation finally. I am seeing my fear around money more and more clearly these days. I did not get healthy training when it came to money. My dad made it but hid from being an adult around spending, saving and investing, and mom just loved to spend it. And I was just given it too freely, for WAY too long. Not healthy. Not helpful. There was no such thing as fiscal responsibility in the Carlin household.

Therefore, I am schizophrenic around it. Part of me acts like my parents - spending without consequence. And part of me is really, really trying to do better - like looking at the bank balance everyday - it's like weighing myself everyday - accountability. At least I stopped putting shit on credit cards.

Ooooo. Oooooo. I got to do a really cool thing on Friday - I recorded a story of mine for an audio book! And GOT PAID FOR IT. My first money that I have made from MY writing (not with my husband as my partner - we used to write TV/Film stuff). It was funny how nervous I was about it all, and yet when I was there, it was so easy. I really loved it. My story is in an anthology book that should be coming out in January. The book is called Dirty Laundry (I think) and can be found here. My essay is about growing up in the shadow of my dad's fame. It's one of my favorites.

What else? Oh, yeah. Wrote a new bio:
Kelly Carlin is part Lucile Ball and part Marianne Williamson – in other words, she is not afraid to take a pie in the face in service of sharing her wisdom.

Whether Kelly is writing, speaking, teaching or coaching, her willingness to rip off her own “mask” always inspires a safe, sacred yet playful space for all to discover their own authentic humanity. This is not surprising considering she grew up at the knee of her father, George Carlin, who for decades masterfully wove great humor and deep truth as an entertainer. Having spent the last twenty years stumbling and bumbling along her own journey from the shadow of her father’s success to her own light of self-definition has given her a powerful insight into what we all ultimately crave - to be seen, heard and accepted for who we are under the mask we wear for the world.

Her professional life has taken her from behind the scenes in the world of TV/film to claiming the stage for her own creation of her one-woman show, Driven To Distraction. After two decades in the entertainment business, Kelly stepped away to get a new perspective, and in 2004 received her masters in Depth Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute. Kelly’s own brand of irreverent reverence can be seen and heard whether she is teaching individuals and groups how to claim their creative life through her Polymind Process, writing and performing her personal essays, interviewing legendary comedians for Laugh.com's On Comedy CD series or writing her upcoming memoir, called Now Appearing.

I'm outta here.

Have a great week.

Week 4 of Busting through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Holy Shit MOMENTUM!

Here's the BIG thing I realized this week: If you want something really bad (like I want MY book to be published) you are more likely to walk through fears that have stopped you in the past. It's amazing what a little desire will do to dissolve fear.

Great talk with literary agent about direction for my SPIRITUAL memoir. There it is, the big fear - I am admitting to the world that what I do is of a spiritual nature. To me that means examining what brings meaning to my life as a human, what it takes to embrace the whole shebang I am offered while being alive (the good, the bad, the beauty, and the ugly) and how I can walk through it awake and with compassion.

Built a new website: www.thekellycarlinsite.com where I have integrated all of my polyminds for the world to see, and fully owning that I am a hyphenate in an increasingly intergral world: author-speaker-teacher-daughter.

Said yes to teaching a 90 minute online webinar in December. Another HUGE fear busted through - teaching strangers, not just friends and acquaintances. Big hurdle in the past.

And of course, saying yes to all the promotion for my dad's book Last Words, that comes out November 10th. http://books.simonandschuster.com/Last-Words/George-Carlin/9781439172957 I'll be doing live, print, radio and TV promoting.

Which led me to saying yes to Tim Robbins when he asked me Wednesday night, "Will you read some of your stories at the screening?" Here's the link for that event: http://www.wtffestival.theactorsgang.com/calendar.html#nov4

Now go out and have some fucking fun!

Days 21-25 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

Where have I been all week? I've been here mostly. Genpo Rosh's Big Mind work is an elegant weaving of Zen Buddhism and deep shadow work. He utilizes a technique called Voice Dialogue to access aspects of the self. It enables you connect with aspects that have been mostly rejected by the self and therefore have become shadow elements. The amazing thing is with this work is that you not only access the dualistic voices, but you easily access the non-dual, transcendent ones too. You get to have an experience of the non-dual as easy as shifting in your chair. It turns out that all the "seeking" that we do to access this limitless, peaceful, and clear state of mind is the very thing that has kept us from it. The more you "try" the less you are IN it. I spent much of the week sitting in this space of clear, limitless mind.

And that is why this week has felt like: So Many Days, So Few Fears.

And then came Friday. A few weeks ago, I asked my manager for some help. I knew I needed an editor or agent to help me with my book outline. And he cam through. So Friday I had a conversation with a literary agent. It was a great conversation. She is smart, savvy and gets what I am up to. She was the editor of my dad's first book Brain Droppings.

Bottom line - during the conversation I claimed something that I know is what I have been avoiding claiming for a long, long time. It is about who I am and what I am really doing through all the work I do - finding a clear and consistent relationship with the sacred.

So, when it came to defining a genre that I thought my memoir would fit into, I knew where it belonged - in the spiritual memoir section. And although that word can be construed in a myriad of ways, most of which I hate, it is where I belong.

AND THIS WAS TERRIFYING. But here it is - I am writing a memoir - a spiritual memoir. I have been avoiding stepping into this label for a long time. I know ultimately it is what ALL of my work is about whether I am writing, performing, teaching or coaching, i am interested in my and the world's relationship with the sacred, the transcendent, the soul, the True Self, the Authentic Voice. Name it what you want, but it is it.

What a week.
Question for the week: What has your soul been asking you to claim for the last 10 years?

Days 18, 19 and 20 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days

I was still feeling a bit crappy over the weekend, but I laid low and took care of myself. I resisted the need to do things that would have pushed my body, and I let myself heal. An important lesson I learned years ago that ended poorly when I ignored my body/mind and ended up in bed with pneumonia for a full month.

Today, and all this week, I am participating in a free online retreat with my teacher Genpo Roshi. You can check it out here from 10:30 AM-12 noon and then again 2:30 PM to 4:30 PM PST each day. His work is profound and simple to access.

This morning we did some work around the "thinking mind." In particular, we explored ways in which our "selves" tend to shun and disown this aspect of ourselves having deemed it "monkey mind" and "chatter mind" (especially if you are a student of meditation), and then the ensuing consequences for the self. Although I feel that I am pretty in touch with my "thinking mind," I found that indeed there are ways in which my "self" has squashed this aspect in service of being loved in the world - at times I have felt that the world does not like a smart woman, or a child that has more clarity than the grown ups, and when that happened, I shut up and created a shadow aspect of this voice within me.

My lack of ability as an adult to put my opinion forward and out into the world through my writing, performing and general citizenship, I feel is very connected to suppressing my "thinking mind." Add to that the prejudice that we in the world of Feminine thought have put on the thinking mind by believing that it is only associated with the separation of the body/soul from life and thus the rape and pillaging of the planet and its peoples, and well, what's a "thinking mind" to do? Run and hide. And then show up in all sorts of pathological ways like - 4AM terrors about life, obsessive worry, over-thinking, confusion, the need to be right, and shunning others as thoughtless bastards and idiots.

Once we thoroughly examined this disowned aspect of "thinking mind," we then moved to the owned, embodied, honored and acknowledged "thinking mind," and wow! It was calm, in the moment, wise, clear, ready to be of use to the world and the self, and could actually hold space for others. It was like sitting with Sitting Bull - wise, ancient and all seeing.

It hit me that from this place, I could even listen to others that scare me with their thoughts. I immediately thought of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who either make me shudder and hide or take me to murderous rage. So I came up with an idea - to practice sitting in the fully owned, mature, healthy, honored "thinking mind" while listening to one of these people this week. I am doing it with a very curious heart AND mind - curious about what I will actually hear when I allow my wisest, most grounded thinking mind to encounter their views.

I am KelCar on the chat as we participate online with this retreat. Join in the conversation and work if you feel pulled to do so.

Later.

Busting Through Fears Days 15,16, and 17

I've been in bed sick these last few days. Not much to report, except this: facing my grief about my dad's death, and now being an orphan, is some of the hardest work there is. I have no idea if it has anything to do with being sick, but it sure hit me last night, again. And it hit me again how much I unconsciously put in the way of feeling this stuff - busyness, need to create, pleasure, emotional eating, fantasizing about a better life, doing this blog, etc.

I do not want to feel my broken heart.

And yet, it is here. And so am I.

Day 14/15 of Busting Through 100 Fears in 100 Days; Five Hindrances

I was talking to a client the other day, and she mentioned the word hindrances, and I had an insight. In Buddhism, they talk about the 5 Hindrances that impede one's path to enlightenment.

They are:
1.Sensual desire (kāmacchanda): Craving for pleasure to the senses.
2. Anger or ill-will (byāpāda, vyāpāda): Feelings of malice directed toward others.
3. Sloth-torpor or boredom (thīna-middha): Half-hearted action with little or no concentration.
4. Restlessness-worry (uddhacca-kukkucca): The inability to calm the mind.
5. Doubt (vicikicchā): Lack of conviction or trust.

I think that "hindrance" might be a better word than "fear" to describe this 100 Day challenge I have embarked on. What keeps me from moving toward what I really want is something I am curious about everyday. What keeps me stuck in my status quo/comfort zone? I would say that on any given day or moment I could easily point to one of these hindrances and find the answer.

Certainly, most of the time it is doubt that turns into fear. But there are days when I would rather have the short-term pleasure vs. the long term goal. Or find that my lack of ability to move forward is based on an old story line of resentment and thus I will not move forward so I can "show them." And boredom is a HUGE reason for filling up my mind and body with crap I don't want and thus keeping me off track. And the inability to calm the mind often feeds my fears.

But then again, ideally what this challenge is about is DOING something that counteracts the hindrances, not analyzing them. So really, it is BUSTING THROUGH 100 Hindrances in 100 Days.

Report:
Yesterday I went to a dinner party, and someone was talking about the world through the filter of conspiracy theories. I normally just shut down and ignore these theories because they either make me depressed or enraged. No middle ground. But last night, I stayed with the person and just got curious - about them and how it feels to them to believe in such a thing. It felt risky to take this tact, and yet deeply fulfilling in the end because the discussion didn't become about truth or who is right, but about what it means to live in a world where it might be true.

Today - stepping through my torpor and doubt and getting back to the page. For a writer, everyday is a scary leap of faith into the unknown. Today is no different.

Knight Commission Recommends Universal Broadband, Urges National Dialogue to Improve "Information Health" of America's Local Communities

A non-sexy topic (thus most Americans will not know about it) that is para-mount to the future health of democracy here or anywhere.



I especially am interested in the third "silo", "promoting public engagement among everyday citizens, both with information and with each other," but love that they are promoting the idea of the importance of "un-siloing" this discussion and weaving it into the bigger discussion.



Being a bit of a media-critiicism geek, I look forward to checking it out in more depth.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Day 13 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

I am thinking of changing the title of this challenge. I don't know if it is really possible to only couch what I feel like I am doing as "fears". I think that limits the thinking around all of this. Some days are absolutely about confronting a fear and then taking an action that debunks the fear. But what am I really doing here? What I am doing is listening to the inner messages/stories that shape my life, and challenging the ones that see to be full of shit. I am testing some kind of reality that I have assumed IS reality. I am literally questioning who I am every day.

One assumption that I make is - I am only okay when I am DOING something that the outside world will see as being productive. I know this is bullshit, and yet....

I can clearly feel the need to integrate some experiences that I have had these last few weeks. And when I integrate, much of my activity is inward focused not leaping forward or jumping from high places. Instead there is a turning my ear to my inner life - sitting quietly so that I can hear the stirrings of what has been awakened by my bold actions of late - and then weaving the new threads I have discovered into the tapestry of who I am, making the self richer, more colorful and larger.

I am honoring this urge today. I have walked this morning to let my body integrate. I will not be fluttering about on Facebook, Twitter, etc. today. I will go about my day in a more mindful fashion giving space to what needs to settle, find a new resting place, and later emerge as a new bud on this tree I call me.

Where are your urges sending you today?

What should I really be calling this challenge?

Days 11/12 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

No doubt, this challenge is challenging. After such an action packed week, I was exhausted this weekend. And her is what I learned: When you are tired, the last thing on your mind is stepping outside your comfort zone, especially since I feel like I LIVED outside my comfort zone all week.

I am looking forward to this week coming up. I know what one of my challenges will be to myself - to go on a mini-retreat. More to come.

What are some fears that you want to walk through this week? I'll be thinking too.

Day 10 of 100 Fears in 100 Days; What Family Looks Like Now

Last night I once again hung out at Paul Provenza's tapings of his new show The Green Room for Showtime. Once again, fucking amazing.

First show - Penn Jillette, Martin Mull and Tommy Smothers. Penn was clearly geeked out by the fact that one of his heroes, Martin Mull was on the panel with him, and that he got to play a duet with him. I love Penn - big man, big opinions and one big fucking heart. There was also a fun and philosophic discussion about atheism, God and the notion of belief (love this stuff - always makes me think about my papa), but what I loved was when they talked about the mechanics of comedy - timing, silences, joke telling. Oh, and speaking of joke telling, Penn told Provenza's favorite joke about a pair of female Siamese twins - one of which played the trombone and the other who loves to masturbate, while they both love Julio Iglesias - need I say more?

Second show - Roseanne Barr, Bob Saget, Sandra Bernhard and Patrice Oneal. Very different vibe, more of an intimate conversation among friends about the business which eventually turned into a therapy session for Patrice about his disappointments with Roseanne, Sagat and Sandra playing the roles of therapist! Wow. And then, mixed into that were these bold declarations from all about the state of the world, our roles in it, etc. - you'll just have to watch it.

If fire was the first nights alchemical element, I would have to say the element last night felt more watery - like a shape-shifting and life giving force.

And me and this fear thing? Well. It seems these last few nights have created a state of fearlessness in me. There is no one I am being cautious around. There is nothing I am afraid to say. There is no discomfort. I am home.

While watching Martin and Tommy on the show. I suddenly got very emotional. I realized that in some way, these men who are the around the age of my father are my new fathers. And then hearing Roseanne and Sandra talk about their views about hope, and the planet, I saw that they are my sisters - I could have easily folded into their conversation. And Paul - well, he is certainly a brother (with Rick, Gary, David all funny, smart, big-hearted men).

Now that my mom and dad are both gone, people have been saying to me that I am now an orphan. Oh, how wrong they are, how wrong they are.

Sacred Cows, Alchemy and Day 9 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

This Polymind is tired today. Up too late. Up too early.

Last night I went to a taping of comedian Paul Provenza's new Showtime show The Green Room. For my part, I let myself be folded into the fabric of this comedy family that has been so beautiful to me this last year. I am so grateful. And even though there were moments I felt like stepping back into the shadows, I stayed present and in the light, and in the front row.

A little about what I saw last night.
Paul has created a big, safe space for comedians to hang out and do what they do best - daringly mouth off with great wit. At different times, depending on the guest configuration, it was thought provoking, heart warming and flat out offensive - which is a good thing - and always hilarious. My dad used to say that a comics job was to find the line and cross it. And Provenza does that and invites others to do the same while always in service of tearing down the sacred cows and making us question it all. It is a huge honor to be there and be part of this new family of mine - thanks Paul. Thanks dad.

But all that aside, the thing that was most amazing about last night was watching co-creation in action.

The first show had Jonathan Winters, Robert Klein and Rick Overton. There clearly was an atmosphere of reverence for Jonathan, but because Paul creates such an open space, Jonathan also got to show his most subversive side and speak his truth about his life and the business in a way that you just can never do on the Tonight Show or Letterman. We all knew we were in the presence of comic royalty. Klein and Overton felt it, and although there brilliance shone in the moments when they took the spotlight, you could tell they knew this was about giving back something to Jonathan. Paul set the atmosphere brilliantly.

The second show had Paul Mooney and Bobby Slayton and Jim Jefferies (all very provocative comics) and Rain Pryor. Again Paul set the stage perfectly, he threw the topics up in the air - being black, jewish, racism - all big bones for these four - and wow - the air crackled with wit, and on the edge of your seat anticipation. It was like being on a street corner and watching the jabs, insults and great put downs fly between a tight knit gang. At times it was a bit more "dick-waving" than I can handle, it's just not my personal style, but it was fucking fun to watch! They were all playing with BIG fire, and yet they knew it was play. This is a difficult and great feat. The alchemy was HOT. Paul is a wizard.

Playing with BIG fire - that is the lesson here in dealing with my fears today. I was raised to be the peacemaker in my family, to put out fires. So, I assume that I can't handle the heat, that I will get burned automatically, and so I tend to not go near the fire, and certainly not stoke it.

But in any alchemical transformation, you need fire. You need to turn it up! So I am seeing that with consciousness, humor and in service of tearing down my personal and the collective's sacred cows (the bullshit stories we keep in our heads to keep us from moving toward what we ALL need to do as individuals and a world), I need to be more willing togo into the fears (fires). It is a powerful path to transformation.

What will I conquer today/tonight in my own commitment to this FEAR thing? I do not know. I will return for two more tapings tonight. Maybe I will let myself jump into the fire, cross a line, play on the street corner. Who knows. Anything is possible. Burn, baby, burn.

Day 8 of 100 Fears in 100 Days

It's one of those days where there feels like no room to add "walking through a fear" to my To Do List. I have writing to do. Some other shit. And then Bob and I are off to a taping of a friend's new show, Paul Provenza's Green Room, late afternoon.

So I ask myself, what is this 100 Fears in 100 Days really about? Is it always about an action? Could it also be about claiming? Shifting? Being with myself in a new way? I will meditate on this today.

Tonight there will be lots of fame and talent and funny in the room and a chance to mix in it. In my past, this was a recipe for feeling invisible. But so much has changed this year around all of this. I have had many opportunities to get comfortable with my own power and place in the world and see behind the curtain I constructed around all of this. I know that the only thing that matters to me is genuine connection to others. The rest is bullshit.

I no longer look at these events as places where I feel I have to prove something to the world about my worth. I only know that I love people - their humanity, their perspectives and their hearts and souls. I also love artists who have a wide audience - I am fascinated how their unique brand resonates for many. And I am especially excited when artists get together to talk amongst themselves about their work, life, the world. So tonight will be fun.

I know tonight will offer me a few opportunities to step over some fears.

A couple of updates:
Will get the MRI later this month.
And I got an email from the literary agent - she has read my essays and liked them a lot, and will read the memoir pages this week!!!
I think I just buried the headline. :)

Interviewing Comedians

This last year, I have had the privilege to interview some legends of comedy for Laugh.com's Con Comedy CD series. Here is the link to an excerpt of my interview with the FABULOUS Phyllis Diller.

It was one of the greatest afternoons of my life.